Five Things I Use Regularly.
In an attempt to get you, my precious readers whom without I wouldn’t have this blog because I’m a complete attention whore knowing a bit more about me, I’ve put together a little something-something. Just a list of five things that I use on a regular basis.
I wish I couldn’t write this. Whatever the case, most of you will come out of this post shaking your head and hating me just a little more. By hate I mean something so awful you just have to look in morbid fascination.
I also expect some of you to come out of it a bit sexually aroused. That’s OK too. On with the list.
1. Liquid Ass. This is probably the most awesome stuff on the face of the planet. Squirt it here, squirt it there, squirt it everywhere and the place smells like a giant fart for DAYS. This isn’t just useful when you’re trying to punk somebody. Sometimes when I decide to eat something out of the back of my fridge that’s obviously too old to be eaten. Other times I eat Indian food or at Taco Bell. And for those times, my iron clad stomach doesn’t reject it, it just creates a huge amount of smelly gas. And if the whole room already stinks like ass, then everybody will shut up because they already think it’s them. Brilliant.
2. Bear Mace. Not for bears. For people. I don’t like people. I do like it when they run up to me so I can spray them in the face with mace and I can use the “THEY WERE COMING RIGHT AT ME!” Defence. Works every time. Sorry about your face, gramma.
3. A big box of condoms. Very few of those are used for the intended type of fun, unfortunately. However, if you open them up and fill them with some watered down clam chowder and sneakily scatter them around places like, oh, nunneries, schools, Tiger Wood’s house, etc., they can be a never ending source of entertainment.
4. An Air Rifle. This is the silent and deadly squirrel killer. Saves money on groceries and besides, where else are you going to get squirrel meat besides your back yard? NOTE: Works on bunnies too.
5. POOP STUFF. Because I’m so incredibly regular as it is, all hell breaks loose when I take some of this. And I take it when I have to get out of something. I’d rather spend my afternoon on the can with my laptop than go to some stupid family outing like my great aunts funeral, you know?
I’m sorry you all had to see that. Feel free to use my ideas, though.
