The Mind of Spaz

Hello there gentle readers!  It’s time for the next episode of Tardz Ask the Interwebz! No one actually wants to ask me anything because:

1. I’m an asshole
2. I don’t have normal human emotions
3. I’ll tell you all the stuff that might be true, that you don’t actually want to hear.

Since I like giving advice, and the courts have prohibited me from giving unsolicited advice, I’ve decided to do something about that.

I’ve gone to those retards who solicit advice from the interwebz. That’s right, if you’re dumb enough to ask a question in an open forum, you’ll get your answer. From me. Deal with it.

So, I’ve scoured Yahoo Answers for some really good questions that I can give advice to.  Oh, if for some unknowable reason you want me to answer one of your questions, click here.  I doubt you’ll want answers after you read this though.

Question #1 – Some ditz writes:

How to remove Tan from my skin?

I imagine a restraining order would suffice.  Or perhaps a machete if he ignores the restraining order.  In the meantime, try dating guys that aren’t sexual perverts to prevent this from happening again.

Question #2 – A complete retard asks:

Why are the dead not touring in the south?

I imagine it’s the same reason why they’re not touring anywhere else – THEY ARE FUCKING DEAD.  Dead people don’t move.  Somebody really needs to have a talk with you, ok?

Question #3 – Some dummy asks:

How do I shave my side-burns?

Same way you shave the rest of you, with a RAZOR, you idiot!  But maybe not in your case.  In your case, I recommend using a shotgun.

Question #4 – Ms. Oblivious Writes:

What do you do when you eat the groceries before the weekend is over?

Are you fucking serious? Listen fatty, here is some possible solutions.

1. You aren’t buying enough groceries.  Buy more groceries.
2. Don’t eat so much, you whale.
3. Go out and get more groceries, you blubbery genius.

That’s the end of my advice to ‘tards that solicit from the interwebz.  If you want some asshole giving you advice, I’m always here to help.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass asshole, I give answers, idiots ask questions, Q&A, retards

Hello there gentle readers!  It’s time for the first ever episode of Tardz Ask the Interwebz!  No one actually wants to ask me anything because:

1. I’m an asshole
2. I don’t have normal human emotions
3. I’ll tell you all the stuff that’s true, that you don’t actually want to hear.

Since I like giving advice, and the courts have prohibited me from giving unsolicited advice, I’ve decided to do something about that.

I’ve gone to those retards who solicit advice from the interwebz. That’s right, if you’re dumb enough to ask a question in an open forum, you’ll get your answer. From me. Deal with it.

So, I’ve scoured Yahoo Answers for some really good questions that I can give advice to.  Oh, if for some unbeknownst reason you want me to answer one of your questions, click here.  I doubt you’ll want answers after you read this though.

Question #1. Some Interwebz inbred writes:

Am i prego plz help need to no?

i was supost to get my rages on the 16th i havent got em yet and now my adatudz gay and im realy grochy plz help

Dear Inbred.

Do you call your mom auntie mommy?

Anyways, learn to spell. No wonder your pregnant.  You probably spell “no” as in the negative context as “know” and before you knew what was happening some little turd thought you were agreeing to sex over a text message. He was ran over to your trailer and blew his load inside you so fast you probably didn’t even feel it.  As he  didn’t use a condom you probably also have herpes.  Wait, can you get them more than once? Never mind.

I have some questions for you though: What the HELL are rages and who is gay?  And what the heck does “grochy” mean?  What language are you speaking anyways? The sky is blue on my planet, what colour is it on yours?

Tell you what. If your tummy gets really big and something squirts out of your midsection nine months from now that looks like you but smaller, your pregnant.  If you can’t tell if your gut is getting big because you can’t see over your gunt, then lay off the Doritos’s, meat pizza’s and chitlins. Whatever the hell chitlins are.

If you do squirt something out, do it a favor – give it to a family that can afford to feed it real food and give it an education. You’ll be doing the world a favor as well.  You’ll be doing the world an even bigger favor if you get your tubes tied.

Thanks  ‘Tard.

Question #2. Some sick bastard writes:

Do you like the way your farts smell?

Dear sick bastard.

What the HELL is wrong with you? What kind of question is that?  You’re asking the internets if they like the smell of fart.  Not everyone is Japanese, you know.

Frankly, I like the way my fart smell makes others react.  Remember, your fart has touched poo, and nobody likes to cram poo up their nostrils.

Except maybe you, you sick bastard.

My advice? Don’t strain too hard because nobody wants to be around anybody that just sharted themselves.

Question #3. Some idiot with no creativity writes:

Can u please show me links or pics of bathroom painting ideas?

Dear idiot.

Sure I can! Here you go:

Have fun with that.

That’s the end of my advice to ‘tards that solicit from the interwebz.  If you want some asshole giving you advice, I’m always here to help.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass asshole, I give answers, idiots ask questions, Q&A, retards