China Introduces New Techniques for Birth Control
Beijing, China – Birth control has long been a hot ticket item in overcrowded China. Steps such as rewards to parents for limiting to one child were tried, as well as single child legislation, but the populace has kept growing at an unparalleled pace.
However, that all may change with a new program introduced by Zhou Tang, leader of the official opposition party. Tang goes on to explain:
“I got the idea from an American television show I was watching. I’m not sure what it was called but it was a game show with some sort of reanimated geriatric mummy for a host and fat ugly contestants that seemed to be high on speed.
“At the end of every show, reanimated mummy reminds America to control the pet population by having their pets spayed or neutered. And I thought, that is a FANTASTIC idea.”
The program involves a select population of parents bringing their children in for a spaying or neutering. Tang explains the selection process:
“We’re in the testing phases right now. We go to the outlying poorer areas and canvas the parents and children with an intensive four question survey. We then select certain individuals for testing based on their level of intelligence, their looks, personal hygiene and whether or not they give us the willies. If they are an inferior model of Chinese superiority, we give them the snip.”
Tang goes on to tell us that the testing process hasn’t always been smooth.
“In the beginning, it was really easy. You’d just say, hey Ping! Get up on the table! He’d oblige, and thirty seconds later you’d have a boy that couldn’t possibly add to the overcrowding problem. But word spreads fast, and now you have to entice them up there with a handful of rice.”
Compliance issues aren’t the only problem however. Reports are coming in from all other part of China of localized copycat programs. The problem is that as education is limited in most parts of rural China, most health practitioners cannot differentiate between spaying and castration.
The results are disastrous. Without testicles to produce the much needed testosterone, boys take on the appearance of girls, and lose favor with their parents.
“These copy cat castrations are a horrible problem,” says Tang. “Parents lose honor without a son, and these now cast off eunuchs are everywhere. In alleyways, floating down the river, and even hanging out in beauty parlors offering free manicures”.
When asked when the new laws may come into effect, Tang concludes by saying:
“The new spaying and neutering birth control bill has much more testing to be done before it can be passed in congress. Testing is slow going and there is much more information to be gathered before the bill can be presented. We feel that testing on another 458 million children in the outlying poor areas will give us enough information to proceed.”
