It Curled and Stayed.
My dog, Jinx, has been with me since she was 8 weeks old and the size of my palm. To say that we’re close is an understatement. Jinx isn’t just a dog, she’s not just part of the family in a doggy way, she’s like a human that can’t talk.
Just like any other human (especially a human female), she’s a manipulative little bitch. She asks to go outside, and as we get upstairs, she turns and chews on a bone instead. She just wanted to see if she could get me out of the chair. When she wants to come in, she barks. But she won’t come in until you offer her a cookie, which of course, she gets. Let’s not forget the way she leaves half eaten beetles and cicadas squirming about the house, you know, to save them for later. I tolerate it, all of it.
I have recently learned that despite not actually wearing pants, dogs can poop themselves. Yes, it’s possible.
You see, I picked Jinx well. Ever since being a little pup, she has had the ability to eat 3 ounces of kibble and make 6 ounces poop, just like me. Ok, well, it’s not 3 ounces of kibble with me. It’s more like 8, I’m a much bigger animal. Don’t judge, times are tough and kibble is cheap.
Moving on.
There’s two things that Jinx MUST have every day, besides kibble, denta stix and every one’s undying attention. The first is a bout of our favorite game of “You smack me in the face and I bite your hand”. She LOVES this game and can keep it up for hours, mostly because she always wins. The second is a walk. She has to have one every day, if only to mark her territory. Yes, this bitch lifts her leg to keep her ‘hood’ hers.
It was on one of these walks where I discovered a pantless animal can poop themselves. As she usually does, she turned three times, walked three paces, turned three times again, walked another few paces, then bent to poop.
The first two were the pretend poops to throw me off guard. She’s tricky like that.
She started straining, and grunting, and flexing her little bum. It was then that I knew this was going to be a big one. No ordinary poo, but the magical poo that makes a walrus sized load from a terrier sized bum, poor dog.
But it didn’t drop to the ground as it normally did. No, this time it started to curl and didn’t stop. It curled right around and around and stuck to her little bum so bad she couldn’t lower her tail or even attempt to leave the squat.
She did what anyone in this position might do. She did a bum wiggle. She wiggled here and there and up and down and side to side. The poop wiggled too but wouldn’t leave. She then tried the one foot stomp. A little wiggle from the poop but no dice. She then did the bull riders buck, but that turd was stuck there for good. Yup, she shit herself and she shit herself good.
It was then that I got the look, and I knew exactly what it meant:
Yup, you know it. I am Jinx’s bitch, and she’s got me wrapped around her little paw. Because she knows that she can poop herself in public and I’d clean it up for her.
But just so you all know, after I came out of the coffee shop washroom where I used their TP to wipe my dogs ass, I bought a coffee. Because I’m a good man like that.
