It’s a new year, and I’m still here.
Well, it’s almost 2009. And I’m still alive. I just can’t believe it.
It’s not like I’m trying to commit suicide, mind you. Life’s ok. Not good, not bad, but certainly worth sticking around for.
No, it’s just that I have this little problem. That thing in your brain that says “you really shouldn’t do this, DON’T do this” is severely under developed for me. Combine that with a lack of normal human emotions and very few people who would actually miss me, you have a walking time bomb.
Regardless, a 2008 “stupidity year in review” is in order. This list is not comprehensive. I’ve taken a lot of blows to the head.
This year, the following stupidity happened:
- I’ve played a game of follow the leader with 3 pit bulls and a pork chop tied around my neck
- Kicked over 15 Harley’s in front of a biker bar
- Didn’t run after I kicked over the bikes
- Hung off an overpass with only 1 finger like they do in the movies, to see if it’s actually possible. It’s not.
- Drank a bleach margarita.
- Stowed away in the luggage compartment of an airplane.
- Hopped the fence at the Zoo and stuck my thumb up the ass of a silverback ape. I wish it wasn’t the only gay silverback at the zoo.
- Called Oprah a fat bitch.
- Tried to have sex with Madonna. Luckily I fell in. I only got sticky, not diseased.
- Went to the Westboro baptist church dressed in drag.
- Went swimming at the local sewage lagoon.
- Called the 1st string lineup of the Chicago Bears a bunch of “faggot candy asses”.
- Wiped my ass with sand paper, and then sat in a bucket of lemon juice.
- Put on rollerblades and tied my face to the back of a big rig.
- Challenged Johnny Knoxville to a game of rochambo. He won. After 10 hours.
- Walked into a weight watchers meeting eating chocolate ice cream
- Dressed up as an orthodox jew and went to hang out in Palestine.
Clearly, I am an idiot.
So here’s to 2009. If I abruptly disappear, you can be sure that I did so giving the local reporters the story of their lifetime.
