The Mind of Spaz

Well, I got my furnace fixed.  It wasn’t without its own trials and tribulations.

I mean, I was lucky enough, thanks to my friend Tech Joe (who comments here every once and a while and is my fat person wingman) to get a competant repairman out last night. Apparently this repairman owes Joe some favors. I don’t know what kind of favors. I don’t want to know what type of favors. And Joe, I’ll thank you to wipe that white crusty shit from the sides of your mouth.

So he fixed my furnace so quickly and efficiently I barley even noticed that he hasn’t washed his jumpsuit or himself since Allah parted the red seas. Or made the seas red with the blood of the infedels. Always get those two mixed up. Anyways, the stank was worth the skill.

But folks, the best thing happened: My house got warm and my testicles decended.  Which is a good thing for me but not necessarily for leftie.

That’s what I call my boys, lefty and righty.

You see apparently lefty had developed a relationship with my kidney while he was up there.  He used to have a relationship with one eye (that’s what I call my penis. One eye).  Well, everybody decended back to there they were, and boy was it awkward with lefty and one eye.  Real awkward.  They got into some sort of fist fight.

I don’t know what the hell they were doing down there, but man, did it hurt.  Got some strange stares at work too, because my crotch was moving around like Amy Winehouse at an all you can snort coke buffet.  I was offered work in the stage play of puppetry of the penis, but I couldn’t perform at my audition.

Yes, it seems that lefty and one eye have broken up and now one eye is hanging on the right side, much to righty’s chagrin. You see, righty and useless (that what I call my chode) have a little thing going on and one eye is just being the third wheel.

It’s not a good scene there folks, but I found the solution.

You see, things between lefty and one eye couldn’t be patched up until old bean (that’s what I call my left kidney, old bean) was out of the picture. So I got date raped.

Well, not date raped, but I got fed the drug. You see, I’ve heard rumors that hot chicks don’t actually want to date men, they just lead them on to drug them and take their kidneys to sell on the black market.  I didn’t know if this was true. I did know that having one eye lean to the right didn’t feel proper.  So I went out on a date with a hot chick.

By golly, it was true!  I ended up in a tub full of ice with holes in my sides and a note that said call an ambulance! I’ll tell you though, since old bean is out of the picture one eye is now hanging out with lefty and all is right with the world.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go back to smoking what ever it is that I’m smoking.

talking out of my ass balls, Drugs, furnace

Today, I’m not talking. I’m typing.  I have a friend, we’ll call him Al (name changed to protect the guilty) who has something to get off of his chest.

There are two problems with Al

1. He doesn’t understand the Internet so does not have a blog of his own.
2. He’s Dutch, so his fingers are too big to operate standard keyboards.

That’s why I’m typing for him, and on my blog.

You’ll find that he has a keen wit and an excellent sense of humour, because he likes laughing at me.

Moving on, and I’ll give it up to Al.

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Today, when I opened up my RSS feeds, I came across an article regarding the FDA’s (Food and Drug Administration) decision to attack General Mills with regards to their labelling of Cheerios packaging.

Cheerios being the #1 selling cereal in the United States (one box in eight sold is Cheerios) is labeled by General Mills as being healthy for you, able to lower your cholesterol levels by several percentage points within a few weeks and to help prevent the onset of coronary heart disease apparently.

According to the FDA, that makes Cheerios, the breakfast cereal loved by millions, young and old alike, and unregistered DRUG!  The ramifications are astounding!

That means every morning, my children and I are committing a felony by consuming an unregistered (aka Illegal) drug.  Every grocery store in this great continent of ours, apparently then is a crack dealing drug house for selling processed wheat product, an apparent illegal substance.

Although, that may explain the dazed look on my fourteen year olds face.

This seems to me to be altogether ridiculous and stupid.  Imagine if you will, that wheat products are actually drugs. That means your stupid breakfast doughnut, your loaf of bread, your tea biscuits, your spaghetti noodles etc., all being made with this illicit wheat product, are by extension according to the FDA unregistered drugs.

Health Food lovers of the world unite!  You may all soon be going to jail.

Supermarket managers: Run and hide. You have been selling drugs for years, but that won’t matter to the FDA.  You are a drug dealer. Surprise!

Does the FDA have nothing better to do with it’s time?  Are there so few important matters that they could be working on with those federal tax dollars than chasing after corporate America, over breakfast cereal?

I think a situation has developed at the FDA.  It requires presidential attention. Please Mr. President, please pay attention.

The FDA has too many people, with too much time on their hands.  If Mr. President you are looking to reign in the federal deficit, may I suggest taking a long hard look at the FDA’s budget and possible culling the herd there.

I would also like to suggest that in an attempt to cull this herd, Americans be allowed to punch FDA agents in the nose on sight.

I know this sounds stupid, but the FDA’s actions do justify this!  I would also like to point out that General Mills isn’t entirely innocent in all of this either.

Overstating the value of a product is of course a natural activity of advertisers which sometimes does draw unwanted attention from regulatory bodies.  General Mills should also receive a punch on the nose for actually recognizing the FDA’s claim.  Stating that they can’t wait to sit down with the FDA to resolve this. Resolve NOTHING! Ignore. Stop wasting everybody’s time and money.

There are people dying in this world that would love to have access to this type of food. FDA, please solve real problems or PISS OFF.

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There you have it.  Al’s first blog post, even if it wasn’t his blog.  Please, send lots of comments, he’s an attention whore just like me.  And do pass it on to as MANY people as you can. Especially if they’re American (bureaucrats).

rant American Government is Retarded, Cheerios, Drugs, FDA, stupid