The Mind of Spaz

…that you all seem to think the only thing I blog about is fat people.  Moooog even thought that the world would come to an end should I stop blogging about fat people.

That is absolutely not true.  I’ve been blogging about fat people LATELY.  Not that I’ve been blogging and awful lot latey anyways.

I’d like to remind you all that I also blog about retards, twinkies (an extreme form of retardation especially involving people who are technically not retarded but really are), stupid idiots, and don’t forget, poo.

So it’s true that I’ve been focusing on the morbidly obese. How can I not? That’s all I see nowadays.  Sweaty, disgusting, swollen, morbidly obese people.

My buddy Joe comes to mind. Not because he’s morbidly obese, far from it. He’s not even regularly obese, or fat, or chubby.  No, he’s my fatty fatty too fats wingman.  Let me give you an example.

Phone rings. I pick up.  JOE: I’M AT THE GROCERY STORE AND I JUST SAW A PERFECTLY BALANCED WOMAN!  Me: What the fuck?  Joe: Her front boobs and back boobs and front ass and back ass are exactly the same! You could split her body down the middle and there would be no difference!

Do you see what I mean? The pefectly balanced woman. And Joe without a camera. BOTH TIMES he saw her. Fucker.

But come on. Ass’s should be on the back and boobs on the front.  People are starving in Africa and we are so fat that we start growing extra body parts? How many chins does the average American need anyways?

Here’s what I want to do. Fly down to Ethiopia, pick the skinniest most starving man I can find, fly back to North America and take him to an all you can eat chinese food buffet. I want him to see all the morbidly obese people stuffing their faces with more food in one evening than he will see in a month’s time.  And I want to take bets on his reaction. One side will say that he’ll think he’s died and gone to heaven and gorge himself. The other, he’ll be so completely overwhelmed with anger that not only do we have so much food we’re never hungry, but so much that we look like land manatee’s and that we could easily afford to feed the world (but we don’t) that he’ll find the first 8 boobed, 4 assed guy and beat the gravy out of his veins.

I’m going with the latter.

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese

To the few in our society who don’t bury their head in the sand, we know that the end is inevitable. Our world economy is unsustainable and will inevitably collapse under the weight of it’s own greed, decadence, and socialist retardation.  And when that time comes, we’re going to be hungry.

But fear not! For among every storm cloud is a silver lining.  The same decadence that makes so many morbidly obese will be the savoir for the people who want to survive.

Food will be scarce. For the first little while, the tough may have to resort to canabalism. And this is where the smart will act quickly.  A little forthought will undeniably be the result in continued life.

Not following me? Let me explain.

A normal human being can survive for several weeks without food but only a few days without water.  But what of our morbidly obese? They can only survive for several days without water but weeks, months, and maybe even years without food! Think about it.

Because the decadent morbidly obese will likely be the first to die because of their inability to do ANYTHING like find water, much less wipe their own ass’s,  you need to round them up quickly.  Put them in your basement and make sure they have plenty to drink.

They will stay fresh and edible for a long time and all you have to do is get them water. Plus, their fat can be rendered into such useful things as lamp and heating oil.

By the time you’re done with the lazy decadent, things may have settled down and you can get your food from such practices as farming and hunting.

It makes you look at the morbidly obese just a little differently now, doesn’t it.

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese

Chicken breasts, milk, cereal, frozen vegetables, apples and banana’s. That’s what I was stacking onto the conveyor at the grocery check out.  The people ahead of me was a different story.  Chips, more chips, and cola.  Chocolate, pork rinds, ding dongs and yahoos.  And oh, I have to hold up the line because I didn’t quite get enough chocolate, I need some kit kats don’tcha know. Gotta run, be right back, you all wait for us.

Ok well it wasn’t actually a run, it was more of a waddle.It wasn’t a particularly quick waddle either.  Both of them had sweat by the time they returned, only going one aisle over.

Have you ever seen a huge giant gut? I’m talking about something so big you could park your truck in their belly button. That was this guy in front of me. Huge gut and skinny everywhere else.  How the heck did he manage that?

Whatever the case, his wife didn’t manage that at all.  She was fat EVERYWHERE. She had front tits, back tits, front boobs, back boobs, and at least eight chins, seven of which had hairy moles.

Yea, there is a point to this.  We, as a country, or continent, are a bunch of fat ass’s.  Everywhere I look there’s fatties, fatties everywhere.  I’m not talking ten or twenty pounds too heavy. I’m talking teenaged hippo heavy.  There’s absolutely no reason for it.

But apparently, having enough food available means we have to eat too much of it, and all of the wrong type. So I’ve come up with a solution. It’s called “skinny doors”.

At all you can eat buffet restaurants, doors will be installed that are no more than 2.5 feet wide.  If you can’t fit through the door going front ways or sideways, then you don’t get in at all.

The same will be done for fast food restaurants.

And grocery stores will be set up completely differently.  You’ll have the normal wide doors going in, but the front of the store will have only the essentials.  Lean meats, whole wheat breads, fruits and veggies. To get to everything else, you have to get through a skinny door.

Did I mention that if you touch the skinny doors with any part of your anatomy, be it gut, gunt, back boob or front ass, it will deliver a HUGE electric shock?

You can thank me right now for solving the morbid obesity problem.

Your welcome.

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese

The ever lovely Ettarose organized a roast for fellow humor bloggers to be posted the very first of May.  I did the fabulous Kirsten of the Soccer Mom Files, and the poor unfortunate fellow roasting me is the talented Renal Failure.

So, let’s see how this guy rips me from poo to fat chick.

Enjoy.

********************************

Here he is! Spaz, The man of the hour, which is fifty-five minutes
more than he takes to write one of his posts.

But who is the Spaz that apparently has a Mind which we should be made
aware of? Well, that’s why Cthulu created “About” pages. His picture
shows a man who is obviously proud of his watch, or his beefy arm, or
calling people out at home plate.

He’s a Canadian in Ontario so odds are he’s a Maple Leafs fan, which
would explain his Wendel Clark-like goatee. You might ask yourself why
someone would kept a goatee in memory of someone who hadn’t played for
the Leafs since 1996 but then again irrelevancy is a way of life for
Maple Leafs fans (they’re still mad about the ‘93 Conference Finals
against Gretzky’s LA Kings).

But enough about the man who looks like the brother of Egon Spengler
who ate paint chips instead of learning how to bust ghosts, let’s look
at his blog, which bills itself as “Social Commentary with a Side of
Flatulence.”  Oh good, I was sick of of all these private commentary
sites that spring up like so many Tim Horton’s. And I’m glad that the
flatulence is on the side, because farts are garnish.

So… Spaz likes to talk about poop. A lot. Christ, Robert Mapplethorpe
wasn’t even this interested in poop. Is Spaz short for Spastic Colon?

But don’t think that Mind of Spaz is just one long brochure for
irritable bowel syndrome. It’s also the largest repository for fat
chick pictures this side of the folder holding all the Nutri-System
“Before” pictures.   Baby got back?  No baby got front, sides, and
everything in between.

Most of these pictures end up as part of fake motivational posters,
perhaps for the purpose of your office co-workers including them in a
hilarious email to be passed around your office until Human Resources
puts a stop to it.  So next time HR forces you to sit through a
tedious meeting regarding proper use of office email and Internet
usage, you can probably thank Spaz for that.

But Mind of Spaz wasn’t Spaz’s first blog. His first was called
Spazoid’s Space, which was just like Mind of Spaz except with a
Blogger template. And the last two months of material were just
cross-posts from his water-filtration blog, which is actually funny.
Reverse osmosis system? Ultraviolet disinfection device? The jokes
write themselves, which leaves Spaz a lot more time to scour Google
images for the morbidly obese.

Water filtration, poop and fat girls… I don’t know what Spaz is into
when it comes to bedroom activities, but I’m thinking it involves a
lot of Indian food, a Brita filter, and a tub of Crisco.  Just don’t
forget the plastic tarp, unless you really enjoy constantly steam
cleaning your carpets.

Anyway the side of flatulence hadn’t shown up yet at Spazoid’s Space,
though the poop was always there. Instead he was “hurdling towards
insanity.” Obviously the path to madness involves a 11o-meter Olympic
event.  Not quite as impressive as the other guy “HURTLING” toward
insanity, and obviously not as quick either.

But Spaz gives back to the HumorBloggers.com community, always eager
to help out. He’s an author on the community blog.  He’s a fixture in
the forums and the chat room, much like how AIDS was a fixture in the
musical Rent.  I recall him once asking the forum if he needed a
tetanus shot after stepping on a nail while renovating his basement,
because as we all know the best medical advice comes from an internet
message board full of people whose expertise is jokes about dicks,
farts, and Vince the ShamWow guy. SlapChop your lockjaw away!

So let us direct a round of applause for Spaz, but not the
slow-building kind that comes at on the tail end of a big emotional
speech at the end of an 80’s movie. That’s for special occasions.
But let’s at least applaud him for taking the slings and arrows of a
notorious liar and fabricator with the grace and dignity befitting a
noble water management technician with a colon that could bench press
a zamboni.

**************************************************

That. Was. AWESOME!

‘Nuff Said

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese