The Mind of Spaz

Anyone that actually reads this blog might remember the beginning of the Febreze Saga. My friend Big “active anus” Eddie decimated my toilet to the point where it added a nice smelling fecal odour to my house which Febreze did nothing to mitigate.  So I wrote them.  You can read all about it here.

Well, they wrote back.

Thanks for contacting Febreze, Mike.

Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I’m sorry this wasn’t your experience. Please be assured I’m sharing your comments with the rest of our team.

Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I’m sending compensation by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks.

Thanks again for writing.

Of course, I had to respond.

Thank you for the very quick response. I will be sure to tell many people about the quality of customer service Febreze provides, and I hope the rest of your team enjoyed my letter as much as I hope you did.

The compensation package is appreciated but not necessary. I’ll still take it as I’m curious as to what your various product offerings are. That being said, the intent of my letter was not one of complaint, but to make you aware of an advertizing deficiency. I’m sure you can understand that your advertising claims to remove odours from air, but your product seems to fall short in the bathroom.

Perhaps your engineers can be made aware of this deficiency and work to improve your product in the future.

An improved formula that can destroy odours from fecal molecules, or poocules as I call them, can open up your company to manufacture a vast array of new and hopefully popular products to the end of massive financial gain.

With a product that can neutralized poocules, I can think of several potential new Febreze products:

1. The Febreze undergarment pad
2. Febreze disposable undergarments
3. Febreze under the rim toilet deodorizers
4. Febreze Portable battery powered travel deodorizers for public restrooms
5. Febreze Discreet Pocket sized hand held fresheners
6. Febreze Audio devices for idea #5 that emit a diversionary sound such as traffic or a dog barking

The above ideas are just from the top of my head, but you see where this is going.  And in today’s economy, I’m sure you can appreciate that any edge over the competition will work in your favour.

I would be more than happy to work with your company for product ideas from the resulting improvements of your formula to eliminate poocules.  My compensatory packages are very affordable, I assure you.

I did get a free can of Febreze, which I will be giving to Big Eddie for his birthday.  I think he might need it more than me.

dumb things I do to myself, poo febreze, free stuff, poo

To my 2.78 fans who actually read this drivel, you may remember how I lost my crown as king shit.  Well, my friend was over at my house once again, and once again he completely and totally destroyed my toilet.  At least it was working this time.

Still, the smell hung heavy and I used some febreze air effects odour eliminator spray with less than satisfying results. So poor did this product perform, I felt compelled to write the company.  Below is the email I sent:

To whom it may concern:

I’m writing to you today in regards to the efficacy of your Febreze Air Effects product.

You see, one of my friends was at my home yesterday helping me do some drywall work. This particular friend is in excess of 6’4″ tall and weighs in somewhere around 350 lbs.

The issue is that his normally overactive gut was compounded that day by a double cheeseburger with bacon, fries with extra gravy and an extra large milkshake. He’s not supposed to eat fast food and the effects were disastrous.

He spent the better part of two hours flatulating in my little bungalow before decimating my toilet for a period exceeding twenty-five minutes.

The results were horrid. I could not get the smell out of my house, despite turning the bathroom fan on and opening all the windows.  The smell was heavy and pungent and would not go anywhere.

It was then I saw a commercial on T.V. advertising your Febreze air effects, and how your product claimed to eliminate odours from the air, not just mask them over.

I quickly went to the store and purchased a can of your febreze air effects linen and sky odour eliminator.

I probably used at least half the can and the resulting smell was linen and sky poo.

I’m very disappointed that your product did not work as claimed, and feel perhaps you should add a disclaimer to your advertising before someone launches a lawsuit.

Respectfully yours,

Mike

Rest assured I will post any future correspondance with the company.

dumb things I do to myself, poo febreze, free stuff, poo