For those of you who know me, you know that I’m not a religious
man. When any particular sect of any particular religions is asked the question “why should I believe in yours in the way you practice it,” the best answer I have gotten so far is “because”.
So, after the events of this weekend, I decided that I would believe in my own god
. And I would believe in this god “because”. That’s probably a good enough answer.
My god will be called the GOD OF PROBABLY. The name won’t be god, because god is claimed by every religion. No, we will classify this god by her whole name, the GOD OF PROBABLY or GOP for short. She doesn’t like GOP, but sometimes she’s not that nice to me, so screw her.
Also, did I mention that my god was hot?
My god has very simple rules. If you want something to happen, it probably won’t. If you don’t want something to happen, it probably will. Sort of similar to Murphy’s law but I imagine GOP is WAY hotter than Murphy.
My whole life to this point has been ruled by GOP, but it wasn’t until this weekend that I created her. If you’re wondering if because I created GOP that would actually make me god, the answer is no. Now quit with this metaphysical bullshit and let me get on with my story.
You see, as the average North American if I need to buy something I probably won’t have enough money to do the whole job because of something else. Case in point, the tires on my truck were bald. This wasn’t so bad during the summer and fall, but come winter and it was slippery out – real slippery. If I didn’t buy the back tires I probably wouldn’t have survived this far, and there would probably be some people who would probably miss me. If only for a minute or two. I needed to buy all four tires but I probably couldn’t afford to because of all the kids who I had to buy Christmas presents for that probably didn’t need them (or appreciate them).
I probably could have put all four tires on my credit card, but I could afford one pair for the back of the truck in cash, as I probably wouldn’t have liked the interest charges on my credit card come the new year. Christmas passed and I saved my pennies so I could get new tires on the front of the truck.
Saturday was the day. I got the tires put on the truck and I had new rubber all the way around, the increased traction probably saving my life down the road at some time. Now, GOP saw that I had new tires on the truck, and saw that with my probably reasoning I was able to pay for all tires, and Christmas presents, with cash requiring no outrageous credit interest charges.
You see, I had enough of an old POS vehicle. When the old vehicle died, I went out and got a newer one. It has low kilometers, it’s only a few years old, and it has been well taken care of. Every time I went to start it, it started. So when I went to start the truck, I knew it would probably start.
It did not.
It cranked and cranked and cranked and just didn’t catch. The gas gauge read 1/4 full so I knew it probably wasn’t out of gas. I added some gasoline anyways, just to see. The truck started, so it was probably the fuel gage that was screwed. No big deal, I could probably get that fixed at my leisure if I kept my eye on the odometer.
I decided that a full tank of gas was probably in order, so I went to the gas station. I filled the tank to the top knowing that if I didn’t, I probably would forget the gauge was broken and run out of gas again. I started the truck, and drove 20 feet from the pump. It probably wasn’t the gas gauge because the truck stalled and wouldn’t start. I got it towed to my mechanic, who told me when I called him he probably wouldn’t be able to get to it until Tuesday, because of holiday Monday.
My dad told me I could have one of his cars but he probably wouldn’t be able to let me use it until the beginning of the week.
My mechanic told me that it was probably the fuel pump which probably would be very expensive. I probably would be able to pay cash for it had I not purchased those tires, and I’m probably sure that the pump wouldn’t have crapped out if I had not got those tires.
This morning I called my mechanic. He told me that they had been starting and driving the truck all morning, so it probably wasn’t the fuel pump. It probably was a clogged fuel filter.
I was relieved. This probably was only going to cost me a few hundred bucks, not a thousand like I had thought.
Relieved that I probably wasn’t going to have to beg Sally Struthers for food for the next month, I settled back into work for the day. Around three I called the mechanic to make arrangements to settle up and pick my truck up. But the god of probably had other plans. It seems that the mechanic had thought it would probably be a good idea to have one of his underlings take the truck out for one more ride. The underling was probably joy riding, because he stranded himself five miles from the shop. It was probably a long walk to make when you have work to do. You see, it seems that it was my fuel pump, even if it probably didn’t seem like it at first.
But it’s not just this weekend. The god of probably works in many aspects of my life. For example, if I find a woman attractive, she probably doesn’t find me all that desirable. If a woman is a disgusting ditch pig, she’ll want me so bad she’ll probably break her heart over me. If a woman likes me and I like her, she’ll probably be married or probably have a boyfriend who’s good in bed.
If there’s a situation where I probably shouldn’t say something, I’ll probably say that exact thing that I probably shouldn’t say. There will probably be repercussions.
The list probably isn’t exhaustive, but I’ve probably overextended this post as most of my readers probably have A.D.D.
So if you’d like to sign up to worship the god of probably, she’ll probably take you, if you’re anything like me.
rant, talking out of my ass god, god of probably, GOP, my religion, probably
