I will help you when no one else can.
This weekend I visited my grandmother for what is probably the very last time. She’s ninety years old and has advanced Alzheimer’s. She’s a shadow of her former self and has the mentaly of a six month old baby. As harsh as this is, she’s suffering and I will be glad when she passes. With her pneumonia, hopefully relief will come soon.
The images of her frail withered body without a brain are disturbing, yes. I will always remember her as the strong, vibrant, funny and witty woman she was before this disease raveged her body and soul. That’s the woman she was, and that’s the woman I will hold a picture of in my head until the day I die.
I did something that’s so typically me – ignore policy. You see, apparently live cell phones can screw up life sustaining machines in the ICU. I was in the ICU. I got a call. My cell phone was destroyed and the subsequent beating I got from the 400 lb orderly landed me in the very same ICU for a few days.
Here’s my offer for help. You see, I’m such a buffoon, a complete and total ignorant lout, a fuck up of the utmost level, that I would accidentally do what you needed me to, just by hanging out with me.
What I will not do is accidentally kill loved ones. Sorry, you go to jail for that one yourself, my friend. I will do many other things, however.
Do you have a case of hoof in mouth disease? Need to impress the boss/client/significant other/etc. on a special day? Bring me along. I just cannot keep my foot out of my mouth and you’ll look completely polished by comparison.
Are you morbidly obese? I know you are because one out of every two North Americans is! I can help with that. Trying to push that creamy chocolate eclair into your fat maw? I’ll probably sneeze on it before it gets to your fat trap. My normal disgusting meal conversations and propensity to fart seconds after eating any nourishment will ensure your caloric intake drops to a normal human level. You’ll be thin in no time!
Have to look good by comparison for a time? I’m your man!
Need to distract the cops? Slip me a weed brownie and you have your escape.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for a buck. Well, 20 bucks an hour, say.
Let me know how my fuckupidness can help you, just contact me, ok?
Thanks.
I need the money.
