The Mind of Spaz

There are people on this planet that are sicker and more deranged than I am.  I seem to attract them, which maybe is why I am the way I am.

Case in point, my boss.  He’s got a mind similar to mine but dirtier in certain ways.

Today was a good example of that.  Our duty that day was to sample a monitoring well that was located on a grass meridian in between a road and the parking lot for a grocery store.  It was a fairly lengthy process; we would be there for about 90 minutes.

As we pulled in, I noticed a car in the corner, parked so that he took up several parking spots. Parked like douchebag. I mentioned to my boss “hey, look at the way that douchebag is parked!”

No sooner did I say that then said douchebag took off.

“I wonder what he was doing?”

“Obviously, he was smashing his meat.” Said my boss.

“Smashing his meat?”

“What else would he be doing?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe he was eating a sandwich he bought from the grocery store.”

“You mean the grocery store all the way down yonder?  Why would he park so far away if he wasn’t smashing his meat?”

“Yonder? It’s 50 feet away, max! Since when is 50 feet a yonder?”

“Look Spaz, obviously he was smashing his meat. There was no other reason for being there.”

“So he wasn’t having lunch, making a phone call or reading?”

“NO.”

“It was lunchtime and he wasn’t taking a sandwich break in a grocery store parking lot.”

“The corner of grocery store parking lots are for smashing your meat.”

“So that lady in her car there, she’s Smashing her meat?”

“What else would she be doing?”

“Is that what you do in grocery store parking lots?”

“What else would I be doing?”

“Don’t start smashing your meat, ok?”

“Well, we are in a grocery store parking lot.  But it is during work hours”.

“Good thing too.”

And he is one of my role models. Do you folks see now where I get it?

‘Nuff Said

politically incorrect, social commentary grocery store, masturbation, meat smashing, sick sex perverts

War can wait, masturbate! or so says the people of Masturbation to End War. Apparently, a huge group of people think that if people jerked (or jilled) off more, war would end.

I disagree. I mean, my buddy Mooooog milks his bone so much people hire him to stucco their ceilings, and he’s one violent son of a bitch. Just saying.

Here’s what Masturbation for Peace has to say:

There’s no greater antidote for war than love. Feelings of hatred and distrust form the necessary basis of armed confrontation. Replace those negative feelings with love and you’re halfway towards resolution of any conflict.

However, any real love must start from within. You can’t love others without loving yourself first. And, of course, masturbation is the greatest expression of self-love. So it’s natural that we, the citizens of the world, are joining together to masturbate for peace.

As we begin with this act of self-love, we encourage others to do the same, to take pleasure in life and to share masturbation’s positive energy with a world in need. – Source

I don’t know about anybody else, but I see a few problems with this. I mean, instead of warring with people, they want to engage in a big giant circle jerk?

Listen. If I’m put into a room with hundreds of hairy guys pulling their pud, my first reaction isn’t to whip out my own willy and start pounding it. Quite the contrary. I’d puke. Or beat the crap out of those freaks. Or beat the crap out of those freaks while puking on them.

Just to clarify, I’d beat ON them, not beat them off. Don’t even go there Moooog.

Put me in a room full of women playing with themselves, and it wouldn’t be long before the mutual masturbation turned into a full on man on woman on woman on woman on woman on woman on woman on woman orgy. And the website is pretty clear they want you to MASTURBATE for peace.

Just to be clear, for most people, self gratification is an even shorter experience than sex. Even married sex. When you don’t have to worry about pleasing another person (some people don’t anyways) it’s really only 30 or 40 seconds out of your day.

To put it in perspective, sometimes it takes longer to sit down and have a poo.

What I’m saying is there’s still lots of time for war.

It’s inevitable! I mean, America will probably get done first and then go to make a sandwich. They won’t wash their hands before going for the mayonaise jar. Iraq will see this and get mad. They’ll purposely shoot their load into the jar, telling the infidel pig americans that they might as well get their sperm in there too.

Both will be unsatisfied and start beating on each other. End result? War, just with empty ball sacks.

Of course, there will always be the people that agree to just jerk off instead wink wink. And then the other side is caught with their pants down and a bazooka up their butts. They never had a chance.

No, jerking off won’t end war. There’s only one way to do that, and that’s to win. And after you win, there will be lots of time to jerk off. Trust me.

Parody, talking out of my ass jerking off, masturbate, masturbation, peace, war