The Roast of Me.
The ever lovely Ettarose organized a roast for fellow humor bloggers to be posted the very first of May. I did the fabulous Kirsten of the Soccer Mom Files, and the poor unfortunate fellow roasting me is the talented Renal Failure.
So, let’s see how this guy rips me from poo to fat chick.
Enjoy.
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Here he is! Spaz, The man of the hour, which is fifty-five minutes
more than he takes to write one of his posts.
But who is the Spaz that apparently has a Mind which we should be made
aware of? Well, that’s why Cthulu created “About” pages. His picture
shows a man who is obviously proud of his watch, or his beefy arm, or
calling people out at home plate.
He’s a Canadian in Ontario so odds are he’s a Maple Leafs fan, which
would explain his Wendel Clark-like goatee. You might ask yourself why
someone would kept a goatee in memory of someone who hadn’t played for
the Leafs since 1996 but then again irrelevancy is a way of life for
Maple Leafs fans (they’re still mad about the ‘93 Conference Finals
against Gretzky’s LA Kings).
But enough about the man who looks like the brother of Egon Spengler
who ate paint chips instead of learning how to bust ghosts, let’s look
at his blog, which bills itself as “Social Commentary with a Side of
Flatulence.” Oh good, I was sick of of all these private commentary
sites that spring up like so many Tim Horton’s. And I’m glad that the
flatulence is on the side, because farts are garnish.
So… Spaz likes to talk about poop. A lot. Christ, Robert Mapplethorpe
wasn’t even this interested in poop. Is Spaz short for Spastic Colon?
But don’t think that Mind of Spaz is just one long brochure for
irritable bowel syndrome. It’s also the largest repository for fat
chick pictures this side of the folder holding all the Nutri-System
“Before” pictures. Baby got back? No baby got front, sides, and
everything in between.
Most of these pictures end up as part of fake motivational posters,
perhaps for the purpose of your office co-workers including them in a
hilarious email to be passed around your office until Human Resources
puts a stop to it. So next time HR forces you to sit through a
tedious meeting regarding proper use of office email and Internet
usage, you can probably thank Spaz for that.
But Mind of Spaz wasn’t Spaz’s first blog. His first was called
Spazoid’s Space, which was just like Mind of Spaz except with a
Blogger template. And the last two months of material were just
cross-posts from his water-filtration blog, which is actually funny.
Reverse osmosis system? Ultraviolet disinfection device? The jokes
write themselves, which leaves Spaz a lot more time to scour Google
images for the morbidly obese.
Water filtration, poop and fat girls… I don’t know what Spaz is into
when it comes to bedroom activities, but I’m thinking it involves a
lot of Indian food, a Brita filter, and a tub of Crisco. Just don’t
forget the plastic tarp, unless you really enjoy constantly steam
cleaning your carpets.
Anyway the side of flatulence hadn’t shown up yet at Spazoid’s Space,
though the poop was always there. Instead he was “hurdling towards
insanity.” Obviously the path to madness involves a 11o-meter Olympic
event. Not quite as impressive as the other guy “HURTLING” toward
insanity, and obviously not as quick either.
But Spaz gives back to the HumorBloggers.com community, always eager
to help out. He’s an author on the community blog. He’s a fixture in
the forums and the chat room, much like how AIDS was a fixture in the
musical Rent. I recall him once asking the forum if he needed a
tetanus shot after stepping on a nail while renovating his basement,
because as we all know the best medical advice comes from an internet
message board full of people whose expertise is jokes about dicks,
farts, and Vince the ShamWow guy. SlapChop your lockjaw away!
So let us direct a round of applause for Spaz, but not the
slow-building kind that comes at on the tail end of a big emotional
speech at the end of an 80’s movie. That’s for special occasions.
But let’s at least applaud him for taking the slings and arrows of a
notorious liar and fabricator with the grace and dignity befitting a
noble water management technician with a colon that could bench press
a zamboni.
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That. Was. AWESOME!
‘Nuff Said
