The Mind of Spaz

…that you all seem to think the only thing I blog about is fat people.  Moooog even thought that the world would come to an end should I stop blogging about fat people.

That is absolutely not true.  I’ve been blogging about fat people LATELY.  Not that I’ve been blogging and awful lot latey anyways.

I’d like to remind you all that I also blog about retards, twinkies (an extreme form of retardation especially involving people who are technically not retarded but really are), stupid idiots, and don’t forget, poo.

So it’s true that I’ve been focusing on the morbidly obese. How can I not? That’s all I see nowadays.  Sweaty, disgusting, swollen, morbidly obese people.

My buddy Joe comes to mind. Not because he’s morbidly obese, far from it. He’s not even regularly obese, or fat, or chubby.  No, he’s my fatty fatty too fats wingman.  Let me give you an example.

Phone rings. I pick up.  JOE: I’M AT THE GROCERY STORE AND I JUST SAW A PERFECTLY BALANCED WOMAN!  Me: What the fuck?  Joe: Her front boobs and back boobs and front ass and back ass are exactly the same! You could split her body down the middle and there would be no difference!

Do you see what I mean? The pefectly balanced woman. And Joe without a camera. BOTH TIMES he saw her. Fucker.

But come on. Ass’s should be on the back and boobs on the front.  People are starving in Africa and we are so fat that we start growing extra body parts? How many chins does the average American need anyways?

Here’s what I want to do. Fly down to Ethiopia, pick the skinniest most starving man I can find, fly back to North America and take him to an all you can eat chinese food buffet. I want him to see all the morbidly obese people stuffing their faces with more food in one evening than he will see in a month’s time.  And I want to take bets on his reaction. One side will say that he’ll think he’s died and gone to heaven and gorge himself. The other, he’ll be so completely overwhelmed with anger that not only do we have so much food we’re never hungry, but so much that we look like land manatee’s and that we could easily afford to feed the world (but we don’t) that he’ll find the first 8 boobed, 4 assed guy and beat the gravy out of his veins.

I’m going with the latter.

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese

To the few in our society who don’t bury their head in the sand, we know that the end is inevitable. Our world economy is unsustainable and will inevitably collapse under the weight of it’s own greed, decadence, and socialist retardation.  And when that time comes, we’re going to be hungry.

But fear not! For among every storm cloud is a silver lining.  The same decadence that makes so many morbidly obese will be the savoir for the people who want to survive.

Food will be scarce. For the first little while, the tough may have to resort to canabalism. And this is where the smart will act quickly.  A little forthought will undeniably be the result in continued life.

Not following me? Let me explain.

A normal human being can survive for several weeks without food but only a few days without water.  But what of our morbidly obese? They can only survive for several days without water but weeks, months, and maybe even years without food! Think about it.

Because the decadent morbidly obese will likely be the first to die because of their inability to do ANYTHING like find water, much less wipe their own ass’s,  you need to round them up quickly.  Put them in your basement and make sure they have plenty to drink.

They will stay fresh and edible for a long time and all you have to do is get them water. Plus, their fat can be rendered into such useful things as lamp and heating oil.

By the time you’re done with the lazy decadent, things may have settled down and you can get your food from such practices as farming and hunting.

It makes you look at the morbidly obese just a little differently now, doesn’t it.

politically incorrect, social commentary fat, morbidly obese

According to a study I read somewhere and I couldn’t be bothered to share with you, 69% of Americans are severely obese and 30% or so are considered morbidly obese.

Is that all? I thought there was more.

Regardless, it makes me feel much better about the 10 or 15 extra lbs I’ve been carrying around ever since being gainfully employed and bogged down by a stupid mortgage.

See, but I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can’t stop eating after your belly reaches your knees. Why are you still popping entire pizza’s with a case of cola chaser when you’ve developed boobs on your back?  Why is the chocolate almond bin at Bulk Barn your best friend when your biggest chin reaches your collarbone?

Don’t you think your inability to find clothes that fit would be your first signal to cut back?

Ahh, but there’s the rub.  Rub as in what your thighs do, fatty.  Not only are your heart attack, stroke and death laden body types now socially acceptable, but clothing is now made to accomodate.  That’s right, front asses are now sewn into jeans.

The chinese clothing factory workers must think North America is full of Godzilla’s or some shit.

You know that pretty girl with the size 4 body, perfect thighs, perky tits and legs that go from here to the moon?  You know those skimpy shorts she wears, those tank tops, those half shirt thingies that go over the skin tight shirt thingies that I have no idea what are called but look so good on our size 4 girl?

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING CLOTHING LIKE THAT IN MORBIDLY OBESE SIZE?

Come on.  Seriously. Jiggling limbs and cellulite don’t look good.  Being able to see the folds through the tight shirts is just mortifying. Yet there you are, all morbidly obsese, waddling down the street like you’re king shit.

When did everybody get the idea that this kind of fat looks good?  If you’re unable to understand that in almost every case if the calories in are higher than the calories out, you’re going to get fat.  And excess fat to the tune of morbid does not look good. At all.  Probably because it’s incredibly unhealthy.

The fat acceptance movement is the biggest case of denial I’ve EVER seen.

So if you go to the zoo and the keepers try to throw you in the hippo enclosure, wear a moo moo.

Because that’s the only thing you should be wearing.

And FYI – wearing all black clothing will never have a slimming effect on you, ok? So just give it up.

politically incorrect, rant clothing, denial, fatty, morbidly obese

Here in North America, we have a pandemic called the morbidly obese. These people have waists that are four times wider than their shoulders. These people have boobs on the front and back of their bodies, and that’s just the doods.  With asses on the front of them, two or more chins and thighs so fat walking is reduced to a duck like waddle, these people are no longer human, they’re the stay puffed marshmallow man.

I was wondering why we have so many of these people, what possible use we have for them.  They can’t get around very well.  Most can’t drive that well because they’re back fat forces their arms up around their ears and they can’t turn their heads to look at the blind spots, causing massive traffic issues.  They take up entire aisles in stores, and forget going to all you can eat buffets – the kitchen can’t keep up and all you get is crumbs after they’ve been at the trough.

So what possible use are they besides keeping the horse clothing people and electric cart industry in propetual forward momentum?

Protection, that’s what! These people are going to be our first line of defense when the terrorists come.

I don’t care if you think I’m an alarmist. The terrorists are coming. They’re already here. It’s going to be middle eastern and asian people trying to take our resources and/or forcing some sort of religious law.  They’ll be fighting us, they’ll be fighting each other, but the important thing to note is that the next world war will be on North American soil and there will be NO front.

In science class as a kid, have you ever done the experiement where you put a piece of foam on you and then a piece of plywood and smack you with a sledge hammer?  It doesn’t hurt, does it. That’s because the plywood protects you and the foam takes the energy of the impact away.

Now imagine an army of people that already have the foam padding.  Imagine wrapping them in kevlar and what do you get?

An army of impervious tanks.

Just like any tank they are slow going, take a lot of fuel, break down often and sometimes refuse to move at all.

But they’re so big and they have so much padding, they will be impervious  for the most part to bullets.  And because they take up so much space, you can hide behind them just fine.

So here’s what you do. Get a mechanics roller bench, the one they use to slide under cars, and attach it to the backs of your rolling army of the obese. Then, you lie on it, stick your rifle through their legs, and mow down the offending army.

There are of course problems with this. You’ll have to wear a hat so their sweat doesn’t drip in your eyes, and a gas mask because of the B.O. and ass gas that comes with that type of propulsion. Also, they’ll only last for 5 minutes on a good day but hey, that’s probably all you need to get the job done.

Think I’m going to hell? You won’t after my idea saves your scrawny ass. Or maybe your morbidly obese one, which is why you hate me in the first place for this, right?

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass army of the fat, morbidly obese, terrorists