The Mind of Spaz

Back in the day a men’s washroom was where men

pee’d, poo’d, farted and boasted about all the women they didn’t actually screw.  This is the sanctuary for men to do all the things we’re not allowed to do in front of the women folk, because it’s a men’s room.

A men’s room as in no women allowed. You women have your own room to insert your tampons and quiff and poot or whatever it is you do.

So imagine my surprise, as I’m at the urinal with my dick in my hands, when a woman come into OUR room.

And yes, I did say dick in my HANDS.  I have the opposite problem of moooooog.  It’s a nice problem to have.

But back to the topic at hand.

Ha! Topic at HAND.

You see what I did there?

Anyways.

There are WOMEN in the mens room and I got my cock out.  It’s not like I can stuff it back in my pants because I’m peeing at the time.

You CANNOT stop midstream.  That’s impossible.  Well you can, but it feels like a billion bee’s poking at your bladder, just about ready to sting you to death.

So naturally, I FREAK! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING IN HERE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM NOW!

Actually, my reaction was more along the lines of ‘ummmm?’.

Yea, I’m such a hard ass.

I mean, if she was hot I might have risked the sexual harresment charge.  Hey, she was invading man territory, and that sends a clear signal.

Just as clear as a woman wearing a push up bra and a low cut top.  When she gets pissed at you looking down her cleavage, what she’s really saying is “I’ll meet you behind the bleachers later.  Bring a condom”.

But she did not look hot at all.  She was UGLY.  She looked like mooogs therapist.  Mooog has a picture of his therapist, so you can understand what I’m talking about.

Thank you mooog, your graphics make it easy.

So I say “ummm?”

She screams and leaves.

Apparently, the building manager was hosting a walk through so cleaning people could bid on the contract.  Apparently this woman thought the men’s room was empty, despite the building being full of over caffinated engineering types.

Silly, silly girl.

If there’s a moral to this story, I guess it’s this:

Always carry a domer in your wallet just in case the english as a second language cleaning lady walks in on you draining the main vein and she’s actually hot.

And carry a stun gun in case she looks like moooogs therapist and still wants some.

‘Nuff said.

social commentary, talking out of my ass boobs, mooooog, pee, penis, sluts, ugly chick, woman in men's room

The other day I was taking a piss.  That’s not too unusual.  I do that probably about forty times a day.

Sausage in hand, draining the main vein, pretending to put out the Hindenburg and just plain playing target practice on imaginary enemies, my eyes turned to my pubes.  I thought to myself, man, that thing looks  like a friggin afro or something.

Really. It was big. I mean, it wasn’t so big that I couldn’t find the weiner for the trees, I’m no moooooog.  It was just damned bushy.

My eyes then caught my beard trimmer.  I looked down at the bird’s nest, back to the beard trimmer, and back to the birds nest.  Before my mind knew what was going on, my hand grabbed the trimmer and went to town.

Next thing I knew, the toilet was full of hair and the front of my pelvis was bald.

Little spazzy looked much bigger. In fact, the only way he could look any bigger was if I painted him black.

I don’t know why I did it.  I will say that having the base of little willy exposed to free air felt good, really good.  Kind of like if you let your hair grow too long then get it shaved off.  Exposed to the breeze.

But why? Why did I do it? I mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  I don’t have a girlfriend, so keeping neat and clean down there is purely optional.  It’s not an option if I do have a girlfriend. I mean, if I expect her to shave then I’ll return the courtesy.  The difference of course is that she doesn’t floss when she goes down on me if it’s not shaved, but I’m not a hypocrite in any way.

I did forget the natural consequence of going to to bare wood, especially if your trimmer isn’t the sharpest at the time.

I’m still trying to explain to our new student at work that I wasn’t coming on to her when she caught me scratching my groin with great gusto. I’m also explaining that to her lawyer and the cops.

Oh well.  Some good did come out of it.

‘Nuff Said

social commentary, talking out of my ass boobs, mooooog, pee, penis, sluts, ugly chick, woman in men's room

Today, I’d like to talk about penis’s. Penis’s and vagina’s. Vagina’s and women. Penis’s, in vagina’s, in women. And women’s mouths.

That came out pretty damned dirty, didn’t it.

But what this is really about is misconceptions. See, just like with religion, politics and nerds, there’s always a small group of very loud people speaking on behalf of the whole. This includes a select group of women.

These women are in the complete minority, but speak so loudly as to make every man think he has an itty bitty teeny weeny bump of a penis.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. There are guys with a hard on that resembles a bic disposable lighter. Yes, you might find a few acorns in the bush, but they are as rare as guys with monster pythons. You’ll find those guys in either porno or as medieval naked jousters.

Most men out there are normal sized. Normal size works well. It works even better when you know how to put the motion in the ocean for longer than a minute.

But this group of loud, obnoxious women, that ruin it for everyone and makes men self concious about their special little dagger, these women are sluts.

They go from man to man to man to man, each time complaining about how they keep finding men who have itty bitty little pork swords who just can’t satisfy them in bed.

Come on now ladies.  You should know the statistics.  Most of these men are average.  If most men are average sized, do you know what that means?

Ladies: The problem isn’t the men, the problem is YOU.

All these men aren’t tiny. You’re just loose.  Your vagina is a huge, echoing cavern without a bottom.

So do us all a favour. Recognize that your fun hole could house a family of possums.  Recognize that the majority of men have normal sized penis’s for normal sized vagina’s, of which you do not have.  Shut your frigging yap, and do one of three things:

1. Do pornography, where most of the men have huge schlongs to fill your black hole of fishy death
2. Be up front with the man. Tell him you have a giant vagina that needs a huge cock to fill it.  Weed out the guys that can’t fit your disgusting sloppy hole, it’ll be better for everybody in the end.
3. Stick a lemon in that thing and hope it puckers down to normal size.

Thank you, that is all.

social commentary, talking out of my ass boobs, mooooog, pee, penis, sluts, ugly chick, woman in men's room