The Mind of Spaz

It’s not often you have the perfect poo. I’m talking all one long piece, comes out easily like someone greased it with Crisco, smooth exit, no splash back, zero clean up and it leaves you with a happily fluttering anus.

This morning I had such a poop.

It came without warning. I was filling the dogs food dish and BAM! There I am running to the toilet with the dog in hot pursuit cleaning up spilled kibble.  There’s nothing like a surprise, especially a pleasant one.

I couldn’t believe it.  There was no little piece hanging on the end that you had to wiggle your butt to get to drop.  There was no leftovers or surprises, like when you think your done, you clean up, and you poo some more.

No ass rain, no associated flatulence, and the stink level was on the tame side of Liza Manelli.  I didn’t need half a roll of toilet paper and the courtesy flush was entirely unesseccary.

I don’t know what I did to deserve such a wonderful poop. God knows I’m an asshole.

I mean, I didn’t even eat well yesturday.  I’m pretty sure the piece of meat I had for dinner was growing green stuff, damned bachelor fridge.

It just goes to show you, even a jerkhole destined for a lifetime in hell can get a break once and a while.

Amen.

poo jerk, perfect feces, poo

Anyone that actually reads this blog might remember the beginning of the Febreze Saga. My friend Big “active anus” Eddie decimated my toilet to the point where it added a nice smelling fecal odour to my house which Febreze did nothing to mitigate.  So I wrote them.  You can read all about it here.

Well, they wrote back.

Thanks for contacting Febreze, Mike.

Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I’m sorry this wasn’t your experience. Please be assured I’m sharing your comments with the rest of our team.

Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I’m sending compensation by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks.

Thanks again for writing.

Of course, I had to respond.

Thank you for the very quick response. I will be sure to tell many people about the quality of customer service Febreze provides, and I hope the rest of your team enjoyed my letter as much as I hope you did.

The compensation package is appreciated but not necessary. I’ll still take it as I’m curious as to what your various product offerings are. That being said, the intent of my letter was not one of complaint, but to make you aware of an advertizing deficiency. I’m sure you can understand that your advertising claims to remove odours from air, but your product seems to fall short in the bathroom.

Perhaps your engineers can be made aware of this deficiency and work to improve your product in the future.

An improved formula that can destroy odours from fecal molecules, or poocules as I call them, can open up your company to manufacture a vast array of new and hopefully popular products to the end of massive financial gain.

With a product that can neutralized poocules, I can think of several potential new Febreze products:

1. The Febreze undergarment pad
2. Febreze disposable undergarments
3. Febreze under the rim toilet deodorizers
4. Febreze Portable battery powered travel deodorizers for public restrooms
5. Febreze Discreet Pocket sized hand held fresheners
6. Febreze Audio devices for idea #5 that emit a diversionary sound such as traffic or a dog barking

The above ideas are just from the top of my head, but you see where this is going.  And in today’s economy, I’m sure you can appreciate that any edge over the competition will work in your favour.

I would be more than happy to work with your company for product ideas from the resulting improvements of your formula to eliminate poocules.  My compensatory packages are very affordable, I assure you.

I did get a free can of Febreze, which I will be giving to Big Eddie for his birthday.  I think he might need it more than me.

poo jerk, perfect feces, poo

Sometimes you come across things that are funny. But they just aren’t any ordinary funny. They sum up your sense of humour with a few words or a picture.  Something that’s so perfect that you absolutely cannot top it, no matter how hard you tried.

The other day I found such a thing.

I can’t convey to you in words what I’m feeling right now. I’ve searched high and low for the perfect funny, and after thirty-one years of life on this planet I’ve finally found it.

The funny that sums up me. All of me and all of my funny. Not the tangent funnies but the funny that you see in the blog cloud on this blogs sidebar.

So for me, this is the perfect funny.

Wait for it…

Wait for it,

It’s coming…

Soon……

And here it is

My perfect funny!

poo jerk, perfect feces, poo

The gods have struck me down, given me a blow to which I have reeled and I’m not sure a full recovery is possible.

You see, I have a new inspector from the health unit.  She’s working under new regulation that requires her to inspect each and every one of our small water systems, at length, with me there as she’s grilling me with inane questions. And yes, she’s offensive to ALL the senses.  She is:

• Incredibly ugly and fat, offending my eyes
• Disgustingly greasy and clammy, offending my right hand (when we shake hands you pervs)
• Her broken English is screechy and never ending, making me want to poke out my eardrums with ice pics

But that’s not the worst.  You see, she’s a close talker.  And if you edge away for personal space, she edges closer to you.  I swear, we ended up halfway to Toronto that way in the space of a two hour meeting.

Your probably saying “But Spaz! You only mentioned sight, sound and touch! There are two other senses!”.  You’re right, there are two other senses.

You see, her greasy appearance is most likely due to her unwillingness to bathe.  Apparently for her the 10 minute daily routine of stepping into a shower, lathering up with an $0.80 bar of soap and rinsing off is too complicated.  No, instead she pours on gallons and gallons of horribly cheap perfume, probably right on her nasty gooey snatch.

The taste part comes in with the smell.  Have you ever smelled something so bad you can taste it? That’s her.

Today, both my boss and I were with her, and she was EXTRA offensive.  My eyes turned red, I couldn’t control my coughing, and I was on the verge of puking. All this coming from a guy who thinks poop is funny.

So him and I have devised a plan.  Next time we have to see her, we’re going to load up on roughage: Cabbage, broccoli, curried foods, beans and the like. We’re going to do that two hours before we see her, and stand at either side of her.

And let off the SBD’s in turn.

That’ll teach her for being stinky.

poo jerk, perfect feces, poo

When I go off to work in the morning, I usually come home. When I go out to run some errands, I come home. Heck, even if I go to Toronto when I feel like being an ethnic minority, I usually eventually get home.

There was something very different about when I got home today. Something unusual. Something I haven’t experienced in almost four years.  When I opened the door, it wasn’t just the usual odour of prepackaged bachelor chow and loneliness I smelled.  There was another, more pungent odour mixed in. I stepped into the living room to find this:

Well what the hell. I don’t remember pooing anywhere but the toilet, and besides, it’s WAY to small to be one of mine.  I’ve got to figure out how it got there, so I put on my detective cap.

It’s too small to be one of mine. Hmm. Who else? Who’s small and has a lot of poop.  I know, it was that dastardly bastard moooooooooog.  He’s small and poops a lot, and I wouldn’t put it past him to leave a present on my floor.

It couldn’t be mooooooooog though, because not only have I taken every precaution to make sure he doesn’t know where I live, he’s also afraid to come back to Canada. It seems last time he was here he got a thrashing and hasn’t been back since.  That’ll teach ya to try to be a smart ass in the French Quarter Moooooog.  We all know Francophones have zero sence of humor.

I then thought that perhaps the magical poo fairy had left a deposit for me, after years of neglect.

So it wasn’t me, it wasn’t mooooog and it wasn’t the poo fairy.  There are no poo flinging monkey’s in Canada, so how the hell did it get there?  It was then that I heard a noise. It was very faint, and it almost sounded like whistling.

That’s right dog, hang your head in shame. That is NOT where you’re supposed to poo. Now pick it up and put it on the front steps of the school, just like I taught you.

Good girl.

poo jerk, perfect feces, poo