The Mind of Spaz

Is it ok to laugh at retards?

Yes. Yes it is.

‘Nuff Said.

politically incorrect douchebags, idiots, retards

Children are dipshits.  They really are, and it’s becoming a pandemic.  An ever increasing number of children are becoming dipshits, and the sad part is, they do NOT grow out of it.

As a result we, as a society, have an every growing population of adult dipshits that have the minds of children and THAT is why we are doomed to failure and destruction.

Boy, aren’t I just a ray of sunshine or what? Moving on.

Every day when I pass kids, they’re doing this thing called texting.  I don’t get texting.  It takes you minutes to text what you could just call the person and say in mere seconds, all from the same device.  It makes absolutely no sence whatsoever.

But the kids are all doing it!  Moping along, heads down, looking at their phones, chubby little thumbs going a mile a minute.  Now there’s a future burden on our hospital system. The people that sell tensor bandages are going to make MILLIONS with all the carpal tunnel.

What we have now is a bunch of texting zombies.  They won’t stop to look while they’re crossing the street, moving through a construction zone or walking off a peer to drown to their deaths.  If you can’t recognize danger and avoid it, then you are clinically retarded, and we need to help these retards.

I think I have a plan at how to help these retarded texting morons.  I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m somewhat retarded and my plan is doomed to failure.  Well, you’re right about me being somewhat retarded anyways.

Tonight I was taking the dog for a walk and trying to answer a text message. Hypocritical? Yes, but I send a total of three a week, not three every ten minutes like these dipshit kids. Anyways, as I was texting away the dog kept on walking, pulling me on our usual route through the neighborhood. And it’s then that I had a brilliant idea.

Blind people have seeing eye dogs to help mitigate their disability. Well, we could have dogs trained to help the people with texting disabilities.

Afraid your kid will walk into oncoming traffic in the freeway because of her texting disability? No problem.  Attach the fully trained rover to their torso with a short lead and rover will keep them out of trouble!

It’s brilliant, absolutely and totally brilliant. In one fell swoop I’ve saved lives, created a whole new industry and tens of thousands of new jobs.

You’re welcome.

politically incorrect douchebags, idiots, retards

I have a problem. Well, i’ve got more than one problem. I’ve got lots of problems. Lots and lots of problems. I could get into those problems with you, but I only have ten minutes.

Here’s the problem that’s bugging me today.  Well, it’s more of a conflict.  I have to go out in ten minutes to lift some very heavy things and I promised myself I’d have a post ready every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I could blow off the heavy lifting to be sure. It’s just that I’m young enough and in good enough shape that I can go do heavy lifting and wake up in the morning without pain.  I also know that at thirty one years of age, I won’t possess that ability too much longer, so I’d damned well better take advantage of it now.

I’m also a stubborn jackass and I refuse NOT to have a blog post ready in the alloted time. Realizing all this, and knowing that the average time spent on any one of my blog posts is only 8.43 minutes, I decided that I had more than enough time to write a blog post.

See, I solve my own problems. I really am a fart smeller. Don’t anyone get excited, I don’t actually enjoy smelling the air that’s touched your poo, ok?

I’d just like to use my remaining 3.74 minutes to say how much I fucking hate hippie environmentalist eco freaks.  Since it has now become fasionable to be “environmentally friendly” by putting bandaids on problems without addressing the root of said problem, I have become very, VERY annoyed.

At the grocery stores in town, in order to save on plastic bags, you now have to pay 5 cents a bag. OOOOO big fucking deal.  I make 5 cents walking through the front door of the office and farting.

It’s just that the new bags seem to be of inferior quality. They seem to be much thinner and weaker than before, and the stores have done a very good job at brainwashing their employees. Take tonight for example, as the hippie grocery clerk that didn’t wash gave me the evil eye as she overpacked my groceries into not enough plastic bags.

With every step my bags stretched, so that by the time I eased my way into the parking lot, my bag exploded like a Mormon wife giving birth to her tenth child.  My soda ended up doing the horizontal mambo with the wheels of a Ford Explorer and my pasta was confetti for a wedding that will never happen.

Fuck you hippies, fuck you.

politically incorrect douchebags, idiots, retards

I’m never usually creeped out. There’s many other stimuli that produce emotions in me, like hungry, not hungry, peckish, not peckish, thirsty, not thirsty and even sometimes anger.

It was lunchtime, and my boss and I decided to grab a quick hamburger at the local Harvey’s.  We were both pretty dirty, so he went into the washroom to wash his hands and came out not 10 seconds later.  “Spaz, that was fucking creepy” he said, with a look of horror.

Naturally, I had to see for myself.

Alas, it wasn’t the exorcist chick. It was something else entirely.  You see, there was some Harvey’s employee retard washing his hands.  That in itself isn’t the creepy part.  Well, he looked like a slighly larger version of that little midget from Fantasy Island, and that in itself is creepy enough. It’s just that he was washing his hands in a very peculiar way.

No, he wasn’t washing them with his butt or something.  He was washing them, but he just wouldn’t STOP washing them. He created one hell of a lather, it seemed like he was almost making LOVE to the soap in his hands. Indeed, he almost seemed to have that “I’m gonna cum” look in his face.

Gross.

All I wanted to do was wash the soil and dirt from my hands so I could eat my hamburger.  He didn’t even notice me waiting, he just kept on washing his hands. Then he dried them for 45 seconds.  Then he stared at himself in the mirror for another 45 seconds. Then he let me wash my hands but he stood RIGHT behind me and stared at himself in the mirror the whole while I was washing my hands.

Again, gross.

I left the washroom as quickly as I could and went to place my order.  The little creep didn’t emerge from the washroom for another 10 minutes, no doubt engorged in a hand washing mirror staring self gratifying orgy of creepiness.

And that’s what happens when you get government subsidized ‘tards to work at your fast food restaurant.

‘Nuff said.

politically incorrect douchebags, idiots, retards

There’s no doubt the world is full of idiots.  After living on this planet for thirty-one years I’ve come to the strong conclusion that nine out of every ten people are absolute blithering retards. The kind of blithering retards that should never be allowed to breed but seem to do so in excess.

On a related note: We’re fucked as a species.

One of the smartest organizations (not) on the planet is our postal system.  These people are absolutely brilliant. They are so brilliant that they put a letter in my mailbox that was not only NOT addressed to my name, the postal code was also completely wrong. It wasn’t even NEAR to the same as my postal code.

So naturally, I wrote on the envelope “return to sender” and put it in the nearest mailbox.

You can guess what happened next, can’t you. Yes, the letter came back.

I guess the words “return to sender” weren’t clear enough for these jackwads, so I decided I’d put the letter back in the mailbox with a few more explicit instructions.

In case you can’t read it, it says:

See the first note.  I am not the sender. I am also not Kristen.  This is why I returned to sender in the first place. DO YOU GET IT NOW? Thanks.

Canada has some really weird laws, and I’ll probably end up serving life in prison for this with the likes of murderers, kiddy diddlers and litterers. Thanks for reading me folks, see you all on the other side.

Spaz out.

politically incorrect douchebags, idiots, retards