The Mind of Spaz

“Lady, CONTROL YOUR TARD”.

That’s what I wanted to say.  But I couldn’t say anything like it.  “Control your tard” has a nice ring to it, you know?  Three little words to let the other person know they are shirking their duty and the accident that’s probably going to happen would be all their fault.

It was a Friday afternoon, and I was in one of the County owned parks.  This particular park had a well and a treatment system, and as with all other County owned facilities it was my job to maintain said treatment system. My truck was inside the park, but I had locked the gate behind me so no other cars could enter. This park was not yet accepting traffic, but walking was allowed by the County.

I heard a minivan pull up and turned to see two overly large, old and slow ladies pour out of the vehicle.  Yea, two lonely overfed housewives out for an afternoon stroll so they could feel they earned their bag of Doritos’s, four hamburgs and a liter of ice cream. I see it all the time, and unconcerned, I returned to my work.

It was then that I heard it.  I was inside the building doing my thing and it was a bit faint, far off and just a tad eerie.

“durgh…..”

It kept getting closer and closer, louder and louder.

“durgh………durgh……….durgh…durgh..durgh.DARRRGH!”

Oh no!  It can’t be! Is Rachel Ray here?

I really can’t stand that woman.

But no, it wasn’t Rachel Ray spewing forth her never ending verbal diarrhea, it wasn’t Rachel Ray at all.

Careening towards me and my precious truck at breakneck speed was a full on retarded kid carrying a golf ball in his wildly flailing spastic tard hand.

Who the HELL would give someone with the IQ of rabbit poop that has all the control of Linsay Lohan at an open bar a hard object like a golf ball?

I’ll tell you who.  The two equally retarded fat middle aged caretakers waddling desperately after him at the breakneck speed of 0.5 miles a hour while calling ineffectually for Jimmy to stop immediately!

That’s who.

The tard sees my truck and gives a delighted ‘DAARRGH’ and makes a beeline for it, making a pig like squeal with every step.

And this Tard can move, let me tell you. I mean, screw the special Olympics, this guy could probably make the REAL Olympics.  And every time dumpy mcfatty pants said “Jimmy! Stop! Come here!” he’d move even faster.

So there he was, ambling around my truck like a drunken redneck looking to get in a fight waving his golf ball around with a limp hand that looked like it was going to release it straight into my windshield any time.

And the fat ladies ambled to and past my truck, calling to Jimmy and saying to me “boy, he sure does seem to like your truck, doesn’t he?”

“Control your damned tard!” is what I wanted to say. But that’s not what came out.  What came out was “Yea, he sure does seem to like my truck”.

Sometimes I wish I could just say what needs to be said without fear of getting fired.

Fuck.

Anyways, this is FUCKING funny. Enjoy it.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass handicapped, rachel ray retard, retard strength, retards

Hello there gentle readers!  It’s time for the next episode of Tardz Ask the Interwebz! No one actually wants to ask me anything because:

1. I’m an asshole
2. I don’t have normal human emotions
3. I’ll tell you all the stuff that might be true, that you don’t actually want to hear.

Since I like giving advice, and the courts have prohibited me from giving unsolicited advice, I’ve decided to do something about that.

I’ve gone to those retards who solicit advice from the interwebz. That’s right, if you’re dumb enough to ask a question in an open forum, you’ll get your answer. From me. Deal with it.

So, I’ve scoured Yahoo Answers for some really good questions that I can give advice to.  Oh, if for some unknowable reason you want me to answer one of your questions, click here.  I doubt you’ll want answers after you read this though.

Question #1 – Some ditz writes:

How to remove Tan from my skin?

I imagine a restraining order would suffice.  Or perhaps a machete if he ignores the restraining order.  In the meantime, try dating guys that aren’t sexual perverts to prevent this from happening again.

Question #2 – A complete retard asks:

Why are the dead not touring in the south?

I imagine it’s the same reason why they’re not touring anywhere else – THEY ARE FUCKING DEAD.  Dead people don’t move.  Somebody really needs to have a talk with you, ok?

Question #3 – Some dummy asks:

How do I shave my side-burns?

Same way you shave the rest of you, with a RAZOR, you idiot!  But maybe not in your case.  In your case, I recommend using a shotgun.

Question #4 – Ms. Oblivious Writes:

What do you do when you eat the groceries before the weekend is over?

Are you fucking serious? Listen fatty, here is some possible solutions.

1. You aren’t buying enough groceries.  Buy more groceries.
2. Don’t eat so much, you whale.
3. Go out and get more groceries, you blubbery genius.

That’s the end of my advice to ‘tards that solicit from the interwebz.  If you want some asshole giving you advice, I’m always here to help.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass asshole, I give answers, idiots ask questions, Q&A, retards

We all know what a handicapped sign is. Such as shown to the left.  You see that sign on a car or in a sticker in the car window and you know the person isn’t as able as you.  But wait a minute.  The person came back to their car and they weren’t in a wheelchair. They weren’t even limping!  They were some sort of handicapped that left you all dizzied and disoriented because the sign TOLD you they were in a wheel chair.

This kind of cock punch must stop. How are we, the able bodied people, know how to deal with, and properly react to, the type of handicapped that these people have?

That’s why I propose a new system that gives handicapped signs to people to tell others what kind of handicap they have.

Observe:

Staunch Republican:

Staunch Democrat:

Mommy Blogger:

Bank Manager:

Menopausal Woman:

Feminist:

Virgin:

Super Model:

Welfare Lifer:

Stupid Freeloading Hippie:

Gang Member:

Crazy Cat Person:

Douchebag:

Depraved Pervert:

Please, everybody write your congressman so we can enact these new detail oriented handicapped signs.

It’s in everyone’s best interest.

politically incorrect douchebags, handicap, retards, signs, wheelchair

Hello there gentle readers!  It’s time for the first ever episode of Tardz Ask the Interwebz!  No one actually wants to ask me anything because:

1. I’m an asshole
2. I don’t have normal human emotions
3. I’ll tell you all the stuff that’s true, that you don’t actually want to hear.

Since I like giving advice, and the courts have prohibited me from giving unsolicited advice, I’ve decided to do something about that.

I’ve gone to those retards who solicit advice from the interwebz. That’s right, if you’re dumb enough to ask a question in an open forum, you’ll get your answer. From me. Deal with it.

So, I’ve scoured Yahoo Answers for some really good questions that I can give advice to.  Oh, if for some unbeknownst reason you want me to answer one of your questions, click here.  I doubt you’ll want answers after you read this though.

Question #1. Some Interwebz inbred writes:

Am i prego plz help need to no?

i was supost to get my rages on the 16th i havent got em yet and now my adatudz gay and im realy grochy plz help

Dear Inbred.

Do you call your mom auntie mommy?

Anyways, learn to spell. No wonder your pregnant.  You probably spell “no” as in the negative context as “know” and before you knew what was happening some little turd thought you were agreeing to sex over a text message. He was ran over to your trailer and blew his load inside you so fast you probably didn’t even feel it.  As he  didn’t use a condom you probably also have herpes.  Wait, can you get them more than once? Never mind.

I have some questions for you though: What the HELL are rages and who is gay?  And what the heck does “grochy” mean?  What language are you speaking anyways? The sky is blue on my planet, what colour is it on yours?

Tell you what. If your tummy gets really big and something squirts out of your midsection nine months from now that looks like you but smaller, your pregnant.  If you can’t tell if your gut is getting big because you can’t see over your gunt, then lay off the Doritos’s, meat pizza’s and chitlins. Whatever the hell chitlins are.

If you do squirt something out, do it a favor – give it to a family that can afford to feed it real food and give it an education. You’ll be doing the world a favor as well.  You’ll be doing the world an even bigger favor if you get your tubes tied.

Thanks  ‘Tard.

Question #2. Some sick bastard writes:

Do you like the way your farts smell?

Dear sick bastard.

What the HELL is wrong with you? What kind of question is that?  You’re asking the internets if they like the smell of fart.  Not everyone is Japanese, you know.

Frankly, I like the way my fart smell makes others react.  Remember, your fart has touched poo, and nobody likes to cram poo up their nostrils.

Except maybe you, you sick bastard.

My advice? Don’t strain too hard because nobody wants to be around anybody that just sharted themselves.

Question #3. Some idiot with no creativity writes:

Can u please show me links or pics of bathroom painting ideas?

Dear idiot.

Sure I can! Here you go:

Have fun with that.

That’s the end of my advice to ‘tards that solicit from the interwebz.  If you want some asshole giving you advice, I’m always here to help.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass asshole, I give answers, idiots ask questions, Q&A, retards