Spaz Running
Well, I’ve decided to start running in the mornings before work. If running is the right word. It’s more like jogging. Well, it starts out as jogging and then turns more into a saunter. A lazy saunter with some heavy mouth breathing that a telephone pervert would be jealous of.
My technique leaves something to be desired too. The title of this post, ‘Spaz Running’ is very appropriate. A lady pulled over and wanted to know if I needed help finding my way back to the group home.
Spaz running, indeed.
Even back in the day when I used to have some semblance of aerobic shape, I was never very good at long distance. On my high school swim team, I was the sprinter. I’m very good at lifting very heavy things, like large patio stones or my ego.
So why take up running? Well, there are some very simple reasons. I’m 31, which I believe makes my life expectancy about 92% complete. Which means if I don’t start taking care of myself now, I’ll be paying for it later.
Ok, so I don’t expect to be on a scooter with a giant, probably sweaty with massive cheese build up front ass. Heart disease does run in the family and I want to die doing something stupid NOW, not years and years of stupidity.
I thought about rejoining the gym. Then I remembered that half the people in there are so dirty their Herpes have Syphillis. I didn’t spend 31 years staying clean to get crabs from the thigh blaster.
I have a great bicycle, but this is Canada. We’re covered in ice most of the year and last time I tried winter biking I broke every bone in some old womans body. I’ve just financially recovered from the lawsuit, so I won’t be doing that again.
Running it is then.
Let me give you all several pieces of advice when you start after not doing heavy aerobic stuff in a long time:
- You’ll start out, and it’ll be great – for the first 3 minutes. Then it’ll get bad. Don’t go out too far and strand yourself.
- Buy decent shoes. Bad shoes will cut the back of your heels up. Then you’ll wear white socks and some little girl will scream and freak when she sees your blood soaked heels and you’ll have some ‘splainin to do to mall security.
- Go early in the morning just after you wake up. This will make sure you actually go before your brain registers what you are doing.
- See point three: there are very few people out early in the morning and it’s dark so people can’t see your running retardation
- Keep with it. It gets better every time you do it and maybe soon you’ll be able to do more than a 10 minute huff ‘n puff.
I’m looking for a running partner, perferably one that runs at least as badly as I do. Any takers?
