The Mind of Spaz

Beijing, China – Birth control has long been a hot ticket item in overcrowded China.  Steps such as rewards to parents for limiting to one child were tried, as well as single child legislation, but the populace has kept growing at an unparalleled pace.

However, that all may change with a new program introduced by Zhou Tang, leader of the official opposition party.  Tang goes on to explain:

“I got the idea from an American television show I was watching. I’m not sure what it was called but it was a game show with some sort of reanimated geriatric mummy for a host and fat ugly contestants that seemed to be high on speed.

“At the end of every show, reanimated mummy reminds America to control the pet population by having their pets spayed or neutered. And I thought, that is a FANTASTIC idea.”

The program involves a select population of parents bringing their children in for a spaying or neutering.  Tang explains the selection process:

“We’re in the testing phases right now.  We go to the outlying poorer areas and canvas the parents and children with an intensive four question survey.  We then select certain individuals for testing based on their level of intelligence, their looks, personal hygiene and whether or not they give us the willies.  If they are an inferior model of Chinese superiority, we give them the snip.”

Tang goes on to tell us that the testing process hasn’t always been smooth.

“In the beginning, it was really easy.  You’d just say, hey Ping! Get up on the table! He’d oblige, and thirty seconds later you’d have a boy that couldn’t possibly add to the overcrowding problem. But word spreads fast, and now you have to entice them up there with a handful of rice.”

Compliance issues aren’t the only problem however. Reports are coming in from all other part of China of localized copycat programs. The problem is that as education is limited in most parts of rural China, most health practitioners cannot differentiate between spaying and castration.

The results are disastrous.  Without testicles to produce the much needed testosterone, boys take on the appearance of girls, and lose favor with their parents.

“These copy cat castrations are a horrible problem,” says Tang.  “Parents lose honor without a son, and these now cast off eunuchs are everywhere.  In alleyways, floating down the river, and even hanging out in beauty parlors offering free manicures”.

When asked when the new laws may come into effect, Tang concludes by saying:

“The new spaying and neutering birth control bill has much more testing to be done before it can be passed in congress.  Testing is slow going and there is much more information to be gathered before the bill can be presented. We feel that testing on another 458 million children in the outlying poor areas will give us enough information to proceed.”

politically incorrect Birth Control, China, Chinese, Overcrowding, politically incorrect, satire

There’s got to be a way. There just HAS to be a way.  We’re quickly running out of energy for our necessities.  Every year more and more people have to turn down their air conditioners and make it a degree warmer in their homes.  Their in ground pools have to be slightly cooler.  People actually have to wait until their dishwasher is full to run a load and WHY?

Because we’re quickly running out of energy, that’s why!

No, it’s not that we just have too many people that consider luxuries necessities. No, that’s not it at all.  We have to scrounge for new energy source to power all of our electric golf carts or over powered home entertainment systems.

How will we ever live without these things that make live livable? HOW!

It’s blatantly obvious how we’ll do that. We have to harness something that’s in abundance, something that humans have lots of and will never run out of.

We have to harness the power of Bullshit.

Think about it. It’s the one thing that we, as humans, have more of than anything else and will never, ever run out of.

Take stranger danger for example.   Now a days, parents spend MILLIONS on child tracking technology. Countless nerve wracked hours are spent worrying about the creepy guy with the trench coat and the 80′s van who’s coming to snatch your child away for SURE! I mean, who cares about the statistics saying that only 1% of child abductions are from strangers and you really should spend more time worrying about creepy old Aunt Janice who won’t stop touching your kid in their no-no places.

See? LOTS of bullshit.

Or so called “environmentalists”. Yea, the earth is warming up and it’s all our fault. Ok, it’s not the hippie environmentalists tard who drives a hybrid car. Hybrid cars will save the planet you know. Even though with the extra parts, batteries, manufacturing and shipping they actually burn way more oil than the average econo car as far as lifetime amounts. No, the earth is warming up all because of people with SUV’s and McMansions.  Not only are we warming the planet, but we’re influencing the rest of the solar system too. We’re melting the polar ice caps on Mars and our greenhouse gasses are also causing the outer gas giants to become more luminescent.

See? Just TONS and TONS of bullshit here for the taking!

Oh, and then there’s the oil companies sucking off the proverbial penis’s of the government. Here we are in a recession.  How does my local government handle it? They spend twenty million dollars on a new twin pad arena! So five hundred little turds can play hockey while their moms and dads lose their jobs. Oh yes, there will be jobs. Another ten to run the arena, paid for by the people who can’t pay their taxes anymore because they’re NOT working.

Of course, we HAVE to burn more oil and coal to generate more electricity. It’s not like the wind alone has the potential to provide just about six times the amount of electricity that we currently use on the planet today. Not to mention tides, waterfalls, and ocean and river bottom currents.

So yes, it’s a good idea to waste our money on hockey arena’s and power our crap with old dead plants and animals. We wouldn’t want to open up factories to produce wind generators and tidal generators, employing millions and millions for production, installation, and maintenance.  We don’t want clean energy and we most definitely want the oil companies to fuck us up our asses just a little bit more.

The amount of bullshit here alone could power Al Gore’s huge home, heat his pool, and keep his private jet flying non stop around the globe.

So let’s have our scientest stop such things and studying the reproductive habits of the common gray squirrel and learning how to create a better child monitor for you twelve year old. Instead, they should be working on how to harness the power of bullshit for a better and cleaner tomorrow.

rant, social commentary Bullshit, satire, solving the problems, why people are retarded

Vatican City, Rome – Vatican Church “Scientists” announced today that Jesus is his own dad.

“It only makes sense” Says head “scientist” Gabrial Vercise “We all know that the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are the same entity but different entities at the same time, even if they are all one but not one, you know what I mean?”

The ruling came after an intense debate between Vatican officials of the semantics of the virgin birth.  It is the Catholic Church’s stance to forever break with tradition, make up new rules and reinvent Christianity, especially if it pisses off Protestants.

Mr. Vercise continued to explain that the reason God chose Mary was because she’s an incredible prude and knew that she wouldn’t let Joseph touch her.

Jesus was able to slip into her bed at night without waking her, and he impregnated her. It was quite easy really, because Jesus at the time was pretty much just a ghost, letting him waft right under the bedroom door.  his penis is also very small, allowing him to slip it right in there without breaking the hymen.

Mr. Vercise concluded with “…and we know Jesus and his father had a really small penis because of the old testament.  I mean, why else would god be THAT angry?”

A rebuttal came from noted Pentecostal spokesperson, Barbara Smythe,  who had this to say:

Beem babba smatty wacka wacka bitty wachity wachity wachity bunka bunga beep boop.

The mindofspaz.com delved further into the issue, asking for an interview with noted Muslim diplomat Mohammud Machbar Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud of his thoughts on this subject:

What sort of NONSENSE are virgin births anyways? I should suicide bomb the Vatican so I can get my 72 virgins.

Mr. Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud then threw stones at me until I left his office.

The rebuttal interviews concluded with our Jewish Correspondant, Hecccchyam Kohen, who has a very simple take on the subject:

We all know that the story stopped after the old testament and the new testament is nothing but a made up piece of christian rubbish. Why all this fuss over virgins I’ll never know. They are horrible in bed and they make a mess on the sheets anyways, why not?

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Parody, politically incorrect catholic, Jesus, jewish, muslim, religion, religious satire, satire, suicide bombing, virgin birth