Can I see your I.D., Please?
Today, I was carded.
Yea, me. I was carded. They asked for my I.D. Me, a thirty-one year old man with a beard. I’m not talking about a scraggly teenager molester mustache either, I’m talking full growth, no skin showing kinda manly man’s beard.
This thing on my upper lip will get me into ALL the bars! Isn't my camo cool?
It was lunch time, and I was at the local grocery store buying a sandwich. I noticed a sign on the till that read Wednesdays Seniors Day. Ask for 5% discount. So naturally, I asked for a discount.
Naturally, I asked for my 5% off.
Not only did she laugh at me, she asked me for proof! She wanted to see my ID proving I was the seniors age.
That’s when I learned to them, seniors mean sixty years old or older. I can’t get a discount until I double my age, which makes no sense at all. My old man is just about sixty and he has WAY more money than me. They should make a young persons discount.
But that got me to thinking. Coming of old age is just like coming of age. Your body goes through the same types of changes.
For example, they tell you when you’re young that you’ll get hair where you never had any before. And that’s true. I started sprouting pubes when I was twelve and had a full on pelvic afro by the time I was fourteen. For a while, it stayed like that.
But then I started getting old. And again, I started growing hair where I never had any before. This time though, it wasn’t just pubes. I mean, it started at the pubes. No, that’s not true either. It started at the testicles and didn’t stop until it reached almost my damned neck.
I haven't had to buy a shirt since 1997.
Speaking of new hair, what the hell is with the re bar growing out of my shoulders? Not on top, but right where the shoulder meets the arm. They’ve got to be strong enough to support a car. There’s only three or four of them, but it’s hard to have a cool looking tattoo with that shit on there. Unless the tattoo is of a vagina. Then that would work.
The wiggly changes too. Back when I was fourteen, a good stiff breeze would have him standing at attention. That didn’t really work out that well for me when answering a question on the blackboard or watching the girls play volleyball.
Now that I’m going through second puberty, I thought that reaction would remain and get stronger, but no. Not when I really need it, now that I’m old enough to know what to do with it. The staying power of little Spaz just isn’t the same, even if I’ve had a sandwich and a nap. Not fair!
But there are good things too. My skin doesn’t seem to be reacting violently to this second puberty, and my face is zit free. Even when I forget to wash (for a week).
And it also gives me something to look forward to. Back then, it was not having to worry about having I.D. to buy your Texas mickey of rum. Soon, I won’t have to prove I’m too young to get the seniors discount.
Life is way better when there’s something to be excited about!
