One day while having lunch with my boss, he broached a topic unusual to him but all to familiar to me – poo. After divulging my plans for the weekend, he told me that he would spend his on the can, as he would be consuming that liquid hell they give you to clean out your system before a colonscopy. I asked when he was booked in for, and he told me he wasn’t. It seems that after cleaning
all the poo from your colon, he felt GREAT for six months following his first colonoscopy. More energy, better mood, and better sleep were some of the things he experienced. It couldn’t have been the camera they shoved up his ass, because that would put me in a much worse mood for a long time. No, it was the cleansing of the bowels.
Being who I am, I thought I should try it too. I walked into the pharmacy and asked for some. He looked me straight in the eye and asked if it was for me or a friend. Ha! This man knew his business! Of course I, being the person that I am, looked him straight back and said “what the hell do I care, it’s for me!” The instructions on the bottle said to drink 250 ml per 10 minutes until all four liters were gone, but he said that’s almost impossible. I took that as a challenge.
So, with glass in hand and a twenty pack of TP, we shall now dive into the adventure that is Spaz’s colon cleansing.
1:20 PM – First Glass: Ugh. This stuff tastes like hell in a bottle. Still, it’s better than Mountain Dew.
1:24 PM – First Poo: Man that was quick! Just a normal poo, all one log, nice clean exit. Looking good so far!
1:30 PM – Second Glass: Mental note, don’t let the dog lick your beard, you sloppy idiot.
1:40 PM – Third Glass: When the hell am I supposed to poo? Umm, why am I shaking?
1:50 PM – 4th Glass: This feels like the calm before the storm….
1:57 PM – Second Poo: If you’re going to ignore the first twinge, be fast.
2:00 PM – 5th Glass: I’d better start pooing soon. Fine, I’ll just update on the poo then!
2:05 PM – I left the bathroom broken hearted. I went to poo but only farted.
2:08 PM – Third Poo: There’s corn in my poo. I haven’t eaten corn since August.
2:11 PM – Fourth Poo: I got some chocolate rain for YOU, Tay Zonday!
2:12 PM – Fifth Poo: Damnit! I had just finished wiping!
2:13 PM – Sixth Poo: Damnit! I had just flushed!
2:17 PM – Seventh and Eighth Poo: I didn’t think anus could be this powerful. Almost cut the porcelain in half
2:22 PM – Ninth Poo: Peein out of my bum! My mum would be so proud!
2:26 PM – Tenth Poo: I almost didn’t make it to the shitter. I’m starting to think this wasn’t a good idea.
2:30 PM – I’ve drank 2L of this stuff already, and it feels like I’ve expelled 10L. Ugh.
2:31 PM – Eleventh Poo: Are you there god? It’s me, Spaz. Could you please tell me which religion is right so I don’t piss you off even further?
2:40 PM – Twelvth Poo: My feces are no longer distiguisable from my urine. Both are completely liquid and yellow in colour.
2:44 PM – Thirteenth Poo: Leaving toilet seat up. Lifting seat now takes too much time.
2:47 PM – Fourteenth Poo: Experiencing some serious splashback. Will need shower when this is done.
2:54 PM – Fifteenth Poo: No longer any point in flushing
3:00 PM – Sixtheenth Poo: If I was laying face down in the grass, I could be a sprinkler. Children would be playing in me. Mental image, anyone?
3:07 PM – Seventeenth Poo: If I was to give you a glass of my poo, you might mistake it for a glass of warm apple cider. Happy Thanksgiving!
3:11 PM – 18th Poo: Updating my will.
3:14 PM – 19th Poo: For the love of god, give me a break allready!
3:17 PM – 20th Poo: I think I’m starting to lose control of my fine motor skills.
3:21 PM – 21st Poo: Thinking of going to get a colonoscopy so this self torture wasn’t wasted
3:25 PM – 22nd Poo: I DARE you to tell the difference between a cup of my poo and warm tap water!
3:29 PM – 23rd Poo: My anus is so sore… why didn’t any of my friends talk me out of this stupidity? WHY!?!?!
I finished the entire bottle and I think I’m done. That was two hours of hell I’d rather not endure again. I’m going to call the sewage plant and let them know what’s coming… right after I shower.
*See Part Two Here
And, if you want to try this for yourself (but in a gentler, less sadistic way) click here to try this stuff:
dumb things I do to myself, poo ass rain, colonoscopy, poo, shit
