Offensive to all the Senses
The gods have struck me down, given me a blow to which I have reeled and I’m not sure a full recovery is possible.
You see, I have a new inspector from the health unit. She’s working under new regulation that requires her to inspect each and every one of our small water systems, at length, with me there as she’s grilling me with inane questions. And yes, she’s offensive to ALL the senses. She is:
- Incredibly ugly and fat, offending my eyes
- Disgustingly greasy and clammy, offending my right hand (when we shake hands you pervs)
- Her broken English is screechy and never ending, making me want to poke out my eardrums with ice pics
But that’s not the worst. You see, she’s a close talker. And if you edge away for personal space, she edges closer to you. I swear, we ended up halfway to Toronto that way in the space of a two hour meeting.
Your probably saying “But Spaz! You only mentioned sight, sound and touch! There are two other senses!”. You’re right, there are two other senses.
You see, her greasy appearance is most likely due to her unwillingness to bathe. Apparently for her the 10 minute daily routine of stepping into a shower, lathering up with an $0.80 bar of soap and rinsing off is too complicated. No, instead she pours on gallons and gallons of horribly cheap perfume, probably right on her nasty gooey snatch.
The taste part comes in with the smell. Have you ever smelled something so bad you can taste it? That’s her.
Today, both my boss and I were with her, and she was EXTRA offensive. My eyes turned red, I couldn’t control my coughing, and I was on the verge of puking. All this coming from a guy who thinks poop is funny.
So him and I have devised a plan. Next time we have to see her, we’re going to load up on roughage: Cabbage, broccoli, curried foods, beans and the like. We’re going to do that two hours before we see her, and stand at either side of her.
And let off the SBD’s in turn.
That’ll teach her for being stinky.
