The Mind of Spaz

It’s happened to everybody at least once. You know, you’re in a public place, say a mall or a school or taco bell, and it hits you.

The butter chicken you had for lunch. The keg of beer you had for dinner. The ex lax you mistook for valentines day chocolates.

You have to go, and you go to the nearest bathroom you can find. You’re in such a panic, you don’t even check for pee puddles or little curly pubes before planting your ass down on the seat. You let go, and it comes out like an nuclear explosion. You are relieved beyond relief.

Then, you look over to the toilet paper dispensor and realize with utter horror that something is completely wrong.

That’s right. Your bum is an absolute sticky mess and there’s but one square of TP left.  You can’t even do the pants around your ankels shuffel to the cabinet for another roll, because you’re in a public stall!

Not to fear, because I have the solution. First, you fold that one square in half and fold it again, such as so:

Then, where the folded edges meet, you tear off a small piece like this:

Before going on to the next step, save that little piece! It’s very VERY important.  The next thing you want to do is unfold the piece of toilet paper such as so:

You see now that there is a hole in the middle. Perfect. Take that piece of TP and insert your finger through the hole. It’s best to use the index finger of your wiping hand, such as so:

Now, your finger ABOVE the toilet paper is what you use to clean your bum with. It’s important that you use that portion of the finger only because the next step is folding the edges of the toilet paper up and using it to wipe the poo from your finger, as demonstrated in the next photo:

Remember that little piece that I told you to keep? Can anyone guess what it is used for?

That’s right! You use it to clean the poo from under your finger nail.

Next time you experience an exlposive ass rocket and have only one square, remember this technique. It could save your hygene.

Special thanks goes out to father spaz.  He taught me this life saving gem, and most of the other necessities of life.

Like high speed nose picking.

But that’s another tip for another day.

Good luck!

poo, talking out of my ass one piece toilet paper cleanup, poo, public pooing, toilet paper

Last night I went dookie in a museum.

Ok, it’s not a real museum, it’s my parents house. See, they’ve got money and a will to leave me nothing after they pass on, so they’re spending an entire month in Florida.

I protested. I mean, they aren’t even old enough to be interested in shuffleboard, let alone spend so much time in the place Canadian seniors go to die. But they insisted Florida is where they wanted to go. Fine, go and enjoy Americas wang. Hey America! Is it cold in here or is it just you?

Since they’re gone for a month, it’s my job to collect the mail and raid their cupboards and freezer. I was there last night, before heading off to a child’s birthday party. Where I’d later learn the kid would completely ignore the gift I gave him but that’s ok. Me and his dad would spend hours playing with it afterwards.

Fine kid. You don't want your gift, I'll take it.

As it does three times daily, the urge came over me to expel some solid waste. But I don’t like doing that at my parents place. I don’t like doing anything at my parents place. My mom is incredibly anal about her stuff. Ever since me and my sister moved out she’s been moving museum pieces in that can’t be touched, breathed on or looked at. In every room of the house.

She even has a whole room I’m not allowed to go into. Just for spite, I took two ugly stuffed cats and arranged them so they’re having anal sex with each other. Take that, museum!

So anyways, I’m in their downstairs washroom doing my business. Looking for the toilet paper dispenser, it’s gone. It has been replaced by some pewter showpiece toilet paper POLE thing on the floor. And the TP was all used up.

Everyone has their “things”. I have many. One of my “things” is that if there’s a toilet paper dispenser available, I cannot use TP off the roll. It has to be ON the dispenser.

Except this museum piece was more a piece of art then a functional TP dispenser. I couldn’t figure out how to replace the roll. So, I did what comes naturally to me. I started to take it apart.

Piece by piece came off and the empty cardboard tube remained stubbornly on it. Stupid thing. I now had about a billion pieces of this thing on the floor in front of me, and my ass was STILL dirty.

Finally, I bit the bullet and used the TP from the roll, not on the dispenser. I now had the monumental task of trying to put this TP dispensor back together from the million pieces I had in front of me. I had an easier job of that carborator from my ’85 olds I used to drive. Frig. Well, I did my best and I hope my mom likes the new stripper pole in the bathroom.

It’ll go well with the nympho cats she acquired in the museum room.

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