Jesus is his Own Dad
Vatican City, Rome – Vatican Church “Scientists” announced today that Jesus is his own dad.
“It only makes sense” Says head “scientist” Gabrial Vercise “We all know that the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are the same entity but different entities at the same time, even if they are all one but not one, you know what I mean?”
The ruling came after an intense debate between Vatican officials of the semantics of the virgin birth. It is the Catholic Church’s stance to forever break with tradition, make up new rules and reinvent Christianity, especially if it pisses off Protestants.
Mr. Vercise continued to explain that the reason God chose Mary was because she’s an incredible prude and knew that she wouldn’t let Joseph touch her.
Jesus was able to slip into her bed at night without waking her, and he impregnated her. It was quite easy really, because Jesus at the time was pretty much just a ghost, letting him waft right under the bedroom door. his penis is also very small, allowing him to slip it right in there without breaking the hymen.
Mr. Vercise concluded with “…and we know Jesus and his father had a really small penis because of the old testament. I mean, why else would god be THAT angry?”
A rebuttal came from noted Pentecostal spokesperson, Barbara Smythe, who had this to say:
Beem babba smatty wacka wacka bitty wachity wachity wachity bunka bunga beep boop.
The mindofspaz.com delved further into the issue, asking for an interview with noted Muslim diplomat Mohammud Machbar Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud of his thoughts on this subject:
What sort of NONSENSE are virgin births anyways? I should suicide bomb the Vatican so I can get my 72 virgins.
Mr. Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud then threw stones at me until I left his office.
The rebuttal interviews concluded with our Jewish Correspondant, Hecccchyam Kohen, who has a very simple take on the subject:
We all know that the story stopped after the old testament and the new testament is nothing but a made up piece of christian rubbish. Why all this fuss over virgins I’ll never know. They are horrible in bed and they make a mess on the sheets anyways, why not?
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